The finer things keep shining through...

When I went back to school, Duke paid me for my year of work AND My parents, assisted us. They paid for my rent and for Seb's education. I have alot of gratitude for ther actions. We lived nicely with a pool of assistance from Duke Energy, Pell, scholarships, EIC, stocks, dividends, and my parents. I was capable of receiving bulk payments and spreading it out over 4-6 month time periods. It was an easy and bumpy ride...I enjoyed it. I also hated every last moment of it...
My independence is my way of survival. I rely on myself because many times I am the one who has to take care of basic survival amongst chaos and hostility...a.k.a. LIFE. I do so on my own. of which, I have made my decisions to do so along the way. Good men are not the only character trait that you need in a man...However, that is another story.
I would like to have a career as a writer, photographer and animator. This takes many hours of availability and sometimes can be unpaid. I will do this one day. When the time is right, I will go and do whatever it takes to have this career. For now I have the high tech industry to work in. Luckily, it teaches me about product development. I take from it and put it torwards the production of my life and art.
Hanging out with musical acts teaches me and fuels me to put energy into my goals of independence/art production. I am so thankful for having the opportunities that I have gained over the years.
I never want to do anything to jeopardize those blessings. These blessings come in the form of people. The question I ask myself is what do I give back to them? I love my Clutch friends very much. J. is one of my best friends... However, things have changed between us. He kissed me many times on the 2000 Solstice. I asked for it. I got it. I have wanted someone to kiss me for a long time now. I miss kissing. I dream of it. I love to kiss.
Since he has kissed me things have changed for me emotionally and professionally. I find that I am not only trying to create a story but I am also searching for his emotional support and caring in a more intimate manner. The problem is he is unavailable emotionally, physically, and geographically.
We both know it and dont really try to push this circle into a squares hole. he he...So take away those attributes of our relationship and we are left with the professional aspects, Right? Oh, please Lord. I hope that we can still work together.
Jeez! How many times have I had to ask that question of the different men in my life? I like musicians/artists/producers/managers. I surround myself with the type of men that I like. I live at work. I also work with them...I like it. I would love to work with my mate.
My philosphy is that we are all individuals. Yet, we need to be seen as entities: person. Not male, not female, Person. You treat this Person with respect under the golden rule. Do you want someone to open the door for you? Do you want someone to buy you lunch? Do you want someone to stand real close to you and hug you often? I dont NEED those things from "the people that I work with". I do need those things from my mate. Can we do this at home in private? Seperation of home and profession....I think so. However, as for J and me? Nope, these rules and boundaries are not understood or expressed. I believe that he see me as "female" not the person that I am. Therefore this (amongst other reasons) puts him in the "unavailable" category.
Can we still work together? Arghhhhhhhh...

Third post of the day:
Last night, I gave "Sammy" a card. In it I said: Thanks for the inspiration and Friendship. Anything that you may ever need, anywhere anytime, please do not hesitate to ask.
I gave him that card out of a deep love and respect of him as a person. His music has healed me and left me inspired to try to achieve anything that I want. I made him the card because in my heart, I had many things that I was feeling and I wanted to share it with him.
I gave him the card before they went on stage. He read it, partially. Then he realized that it was personal and put it in his pocket. After the show, his girlfriend comes up to me and says: Hi, I am "Shirley". I did not know that he had a girlfriend. I shoulda known that he did. He is a super cool person and a good man. I instantly started feeling guilty. I gave him that card because of my feelings. I gave a man who has a girlfriend a personal card. OOOOps.
Then I realized this: She is the lucky one. He has friends like me everywhere. He is not a dog fucking anyone over. If he cares for his sugar bunny, she wil be the one who knows. Again being the lucky one. Me giving him that card helped me to further express my feelings as a friend whom he deeply has inspired on many levels. I respect myself again...In harming noone I spoke my mind and heart. I do apologize for any misunderstandings.
K

I live in two worlds. In one I am a scientist, studying and reporting Internet technologies. I am respected as a hardworker who speaks her mind and pushes torward delivery of the product. I have earned this respect. I am finally at a level of decent pay where I can stand on my own without any help from my son's father or from my parents. In 1995, I was on welfare because I refused to settle for a shitty job. After a few months of waiting tables, I had to go on welfare to help support my family. Three months later, I got a job at Duke Engineering as an administrative assistant. Which means, I was a personal assistant to a group of seven scientists who did not know how to use a fax machine, but could remediate DNAPL. (trust me, ther is no simple definition of DNAPL) So, I stayed for two years, slaving away. Everytime I came up with a more efficient way of running things, they would deem it protocol. It soon became evident to me, that they did not pay me enough. I asked for a raise and recieve a 3.9% increas which equated to .29 an hour more. 3.9% of shit...
I stayed anyway. Duke was a big company, something would turn out for me. In December of 1997, they announced that they would offer a full years benfits, vacation, and pay to anyone who wanted to "go back to school" and get a degree. I jumped on it, leaving my woes of 3.9% behind. I went back to school fulltime and did not have to work for a year. It turned out that it was a premeditated move torwards major layoffs. I banked. Others became unemployed, without the benefits that I received. I worked hard and got my degree under two years. I graduated in May of 1999. Since then I have scrapped in the IT market. Now, I have made a good living. We are set. I can get a job anywhere.
While I was employed at Duke, slaving away one thing kept me sane: My art, music, and literature. I have always worked freelance, taking photos and writing live reviews. My biggest accomplishments have been with Metallica and Clutch. I have big aspirations in this field of work. However, ther are huge pot holes on this road of success. The biggest issue are in my self security and belief in self and environment. I have worked so hard on truly expressing myself as an artist and not giving a fucking damn what anyone else thinks. It is hard sometimes. I make mistakes every step of the way. However, everytime I look over my shoulders, someone is showing ther respect for me. I have walked a crooked path in multiple directions. I only pray that after each right move, I get a little closer to my prize. Which is: The journey in life as an artist who has family and friends who respect, appreciate, and adore me beyond my wildest expectations. Dreamer.....
The music I listen to and love, tell these tales. It has been a wonderful fantasy land where I can put aside my stresses of being a scientist and a mother. It gives me a direction and appreciation for life. So, yes, my art should reflect my love of the music. It makes perfect sense to me. Can I make a living at this? Will I ever do so? It is time to continue believing and get my ass to work.
K

Last night at the 9:30 Club in DC Clutch's set list included: Who? Pure Rock Fury, Wishbone (which I am still singing in my head) Smoke, B.F.P, Going Market, Horses, Elephant Riders (yeah!) Immortal, Soapmakers, El Jeffe, Monsters, Marcus, T.S.V.G.

The 9:30 Club is Clutch's hometown bar, playing at 9:30's original location many years back. Last night was a nearly sold out show. Everyone had a great time. Family and Friends were everywhere. We met Tim's family. They are really interesting people who have been supportive of Clutch since Day 1. I want to trade tapes with Mr. and Mrs. Sult! They spoke of ther collections and I was envious. I met the girlfriends/wife. Everyone of them are beautiful, supportive, interesting women. I met longtime friends who all had great stories to tell, as well. We all got pretty plowed, drinking "soup" shots of Jack Daniels, Corona and Cuervo margaritas. I took so many pictures of COC and Clutch live. Heheee, I can not wait to get back home to get those off of the camera and post them puppies. Cuz, it was one awesome night of friends and merriment and I caught it all digitally! The most awesome part of nights like last night, is the music. The guys can reallllllly jam. The audience was singing along with Neil having a great time. I saw more women in the audience then usual. Which totally rocks. There was the usual cirlce of moshing fools, but overall it was calm. Calm enough for fellow femine fans to be front row, singing and jamming along with the band. Which, jamming is what the band does best. They played a long set, with many favorites. Since it was a DC show, Elephant Riders was a good choice. As soon as the lights came up after the show was over, we all milled back into the dressing room that was shared by COC. They were very hospitable and put up with alot of Clutch friend rowdiness. Thanks guys! This is where things start to get a little hazy. We talked about the new album, Pure Rock Fury (aka Slow hole to China.) Everyone who has heard it sings its praises. I can tell that the band is proud of this accomplishment. SO BUY IT 3-13-01! This leg of the tour has more nights, Boston and Philly, then it is off for a few weeks Holiday vacation. They will start again on the 11th of January in SC. From there, they go back out across the U.S. hitting stops in cities that they (COC, SWS, and Clutch) missed on this last leg of the tour. At 2am, we left the bar, stumbled to our car with memories, sweatshirts and one future hella hangover. It was all worth it.
K
k1331@yoo.com

Below is an email that I sent to my boss who was fired this week on a 20% budget cut/layoff strategy. We also lost two other key members of our team. This change was unforseen and a terrible business move. Note: never cut the team who is producing your product in a timely efficient manner.-email me at: k1331@yahoo.com
J:
Your last email was not the source of my stress. What happened at work was unexpected. It happened in a week that I was starting to get sick from cedar poisoning and in a week that we received an incomplete product. I was so sick this week. I thought I was gonna pass out. Turns out to be an inner ear infection. This explains the dizziness that I felt...
So, what did I do to heal myself? I rested for a day of meds and movies. Then I got up and went out and got smashed with my friends.
All the time, they were saying to me: Thank Gosh you still have a job that understands your respos with SAM and who know your talents. I was finally capable of explaining my loss to them as we sat ther, with a bottle of wine, at 1am.
I said: Imagine that we all work together. We work hard and we have a good team, a good schedule, and a good attitude and a decent product. Imagine that on this team are a few...idiots, but we support them because they are not horrible people. Imagine that all of your friends got laid off, but you and the...idiots. Now, everyone is looking at you to take the lead and support the team by yourself. However, they have given you a new boss. So, you don’t get a raise, or a new title. (which you wouldn’t want because one of your best friends just lost!) But, instead you get new responsibilities without anything but: "Thank Gosh you still have a job..."
My friends were mortified and begged me to find a new job. Our job may have been weird and uninvited at times. But we had a decent team and those things don’t come easy...
So, no your email was not the source of my stress. Maybe, it is my attitude about the entire situation. Maybe, it is just recognizing that what happened really sucked. Either way, I deserved to get drunk last night...
Thanks and take care...
Kchick

Clutch, COC, and 60 Watt Shaman-11-26-00 Emo’s Austin, Texas
Part One
Ohhhhhh! I reallly needed that show. As I hustle around Austin, beating the imported assholes down with my Super Stealth like powers, I get tired. As I try very hard to learn and improve my technological capabilities, my brain swells to enormous heretofor unknown capabilities. As, I struggle with the joys of single parenthood, my loneliness factor increases in non incremental amounts. As, I struggle to create my art, I face serious insecurities that could easily sleep if I just did not create the art. As, I ignore my art, I struggle with expression and basic sanity. Artists are funny this way, we need to create in order to live happily. So, I struggle to create, again fighting all the way. At many points in time this year, I have said to myself: Why am I struggling so hard? When is this going to get easier for me?

I realized something last night. When we have memories that rock our world, we are truly alive. When we live the stories that we tell our children, we are truly alive. When movies are made because we make them from our souls mouth, we are alive. I struggle because I want to have all that is worth struggling for. I live my life to the fullest because it is the best content…

Clutch was set to arrive at soundcheck at 3pm. 700pm they roll into town. Holiday traffic made a routine three hour trip last seven hours. Welcome to the new improved Austin. Our small town has a small highway. As they were arriving, I was trying to explain to a litlle child why he could not go to the Adult concert. He was pissed. He normally gets to participate in set up and soundcheck. Ahhhhh, next time ok, super baby? I dropped him off at the babysitters knowing that she would become his victim, instead of me. That’s why we pay them right?

I arrived at Emos at 730. I parked in Cracksville, (a small suburb of most big towns) as I ran to the venue, I noticed the dealers, the junkies and ther pets. Mental note, don’t walk back alone at 3am. I passed the bars that were deserted. After all most people had done ther partying earlier in the week. I felt Jack’s presence. It felt nice. I got the bar and noticed that a line had formed. I had thirty minutes until they opened the doors. I had to find Jack in order to get in and get that frothy beer I was dreaming about. I walked around the building and found the handy truck locked from the outside. No luck. I walked around the other side of the bar, going down a dark alley, following a chain link fence. I saw Clutch boys sitting on the benches inside the gates.
"Hey!" I yelled. They looked up at me startled and curious. They couldn’t recognize me through the fence. I said: It is me, Kris. Where is the Jackmeister? Of course, my question was answered with a question: "What are you doing out ther? Come on in!" I explained the door situation to them. The crew lead, Oscar walked over to me and gave me his passes. COOOL points for Oscar.. I accepted them and went to the front, walking through the door with pride. No-one gave me shit, I belonged. I looked like I belonged. Not to mention, I was welcome, in this world.

I feel blessed. All of this happens before I get to hear the music. Bonus!

My art has finally started to refind me. As a mom, as a worker in the pre ipo industry, I bust my ass just to get through my day. When I get home, I have dinner, dishes, homework that can last up to three hours. Seb and I work very hard at achieving our happiness. When all is said and done with what it is that we are “required” to do, I still have to find time for my art, friends and eventually a lover. I spent the last year working very hard on a few projects. I attempted to create some commercial art for an Australian band. My management skills sucked. My art skills soared. I created some of the best materials of my life. I could not get the bands to return my calls, letters, etc. Everyone said: This is great work. They will contact you. To my greatest shock and dismay not a peep was uttered, not even a thank you came across. I worked very hard on it. No matter what I tell myself: they already had a contract with someone else. They did not care for a feminine touch. No matter what I say to myself, I think that deep down inside my worst fear is being fed to its delight. I cant say that I suck. I do not truly believe that. I was hurt by this rejection. My reaction was to stop fighting the good fight of forcing myself to believe long enough to produce. I did that and did not receive a fraction. So, what do I tell myself now?
How about the truth?
I make my art because I have no other choice. I love my style and my ways. When I create I feel like a woman, powerful, strong and beautiful. I create because it fills my heart with unprecedented joy. I fill myself with me when I create. So, who do I make this for and why? I make it for me because it makes me happy. My series of connected lines will always remind me of the date and time. I remember making my drawing, a spiritual coffee. It reminded me of my mother and how we would sit and stare at nothing, she with her coffee and me whining horrifically for us to leave. It reminded me of my childhood and the beauty of being adored, taken care and loved unconditionally. Every time I work on it, I feel so relaxed. I have tapped into my soul’s memories. No-one can take this away from me. I may be tested. But I will not lose this battle. I remembered the key to my success as an artist. No matter what I worked on something daily. I did this through will power and strength. I set my goals in writing. My best friend Cassie teases that I am to retentive. I know how I am going to spend the hours in my day. She is correct. By writing them down, they don’t slip away from me. I know what it is that I want to do, I drool for the time to come when I am out of work and my child sleeps peacefully. I plan it in my head. I create color schemes on the way to the restroom. Every step of the way, I try to create my focus. what more can I do in order to survive as an artist? I ask the universe this question. What more is ther for me to learn? I welcome the challenge. I look forward to the adventure. Please show me the way to living a good life with art as my anchor to sanity…
K
k1331@texas.net

Last week was Halloween. I was so busy with my new job, that I did not make a new outfit. Last year, I hung out with kids and we walked the streets of South Austin. This year, we got to hang out with adults. WHOO HOOO. I crashed a party with my friend, Kris. It was thrown by a former co-worker. We worked together at a world making gaming company. He invited my best friend. She was busy moving. I overheard her talking about it with a friend and I made my way to crash it. Is it bad to want to go and have a good time even though I was not invited? I asked the host this question, too. He laughed and said: Kchick you are cool. I want people like you at all of my parties. He was super sweet about it. I guess that it makes sense. Every party that you throw, you worry about the dregs of the earth walking through your door. If the uninvited consist of me and Kris, cool. We had a great time. We laughed, made people laugh. However, it has been a year since I worked with those people. They all looked at me, like I know you. Who are you? It was quizical.
The strangely beautiful part started for me as we arrived to the party. It was dark outside. I drove up, knowing that it was the third house on the right, number blah, blah, blah. A man was walking towards the house. He stopped and looked at the car as we drove past. He looked straight into my eyes. I was taken aback with a pleasant zap. I said: Hello. For me, this is a miracle. usually, I freeze when ther is cuteness abound. A new thought process started for me at that point in time. Why cant I be a conversational instigator? Why cant I be a sexual instigator? Of course this was happening at the same time that I was begging God to please let this guy talk to me. Now, you know the point of todays blog...
He waited as I parked my car. Then he said to me, do you know where apartment blah, blah, blah is? It was straight in front of him, lit up like a big orange pumpkin. I guessed that was the location and we walked in together. I was silent. I felt for the situation at hand and I was having great stirrings about this guy I was entering the party with. I knew that I was crashing the party and I was afraid that we would enter to hear: Go away! It was a quiet reception. (Gamers are a reserved bunch) We walked outside to see if our friends were there. He walked outside, too. No more words were said to eachother for many hours. He and I orbitted around eachother and our respective friends. Being smokers we stayed outside most of the night. Hours went by, we were all having a good time. It was obvious to me that he was not going to come up and intro himself to me. I understand this. I hate this. I feel the same exact way: What if they treat me badly when I say hello? I went up to him and asked: what is your name? I genuinely wanted to know. His beauty enticed me. He had the most glowing green eyes. His hair was chesnut brown and waving past his hsoulders. He was tall, thin and he glowed, just glowed with beauty. I would go near him not needing any words to be said. Being near him was like being close to electricity, I could just feel the flow through my body. He was quiet. We made some talk and shared some wine. Ultimately, I would walk away because of my fear. Did he have a girlfriend? Was I being to pushy? What would my other friends think? How did this look? Ohhhh, what a waste of thought. It was so unecessary to think this way. If he was taken, he would tell me when I asked himout, right? Ask HIM out? Could I do this? Is this wrong to be this forward? Someone please help me..
I went away from him because I did want to bother him. Mind you, this was all so super steath. Being the only woman and many great all male teams has shown me the way to keeping my hormones in check. I have been surrounded by some great, kick ass artists who also represent the type of man that I want. i have had to keep my feelings in check, professionally, for months at a time. I can handle a party...
So, more then likely he did not know of how I felt. I was friendly with everyone. He only stood out in my heart and mind.
He was beautiful. His eyes are permanently emblazed in my minds eye. I feel blessed to have met him. I also feel like if it was meant to be, one day we will cross paths again. It was that strong of a connection then time will bring it around again. I can walk away from this with my memories. It really felt good to be near him. It felt like I did not need to say a word to be felt, to be known. It was a love that I had never felt before.
I had to write a poem about it, this is what came out:

If my eyes were greener,
Would I be the one for you?
If my smile was whiter then a cloud
Would you dream of me all day?
If my body was perfect,
Would you want me more?
If my heart was open,
Would you be ther for me?

If you walked past me and simply felt magnetized,
Would you follow?
Would you say those three little words:
“Hi, what’s up?”
If you did not know who I was,
Would you fear my rejection?
State of mind?
Status?
Could you cross that line?
Could you show that you care for me?

Ther is nothing more to see
My words are my depth
My actions, my souls caliber
The magnetism that you feel is mine.
So, by all means say those words to me…

Today is international Slacker day. I would type more, but...

Rush hour is like your career. If others were not in the way, you would get to your goals much quicker...

Ohhhh, work…Work is hard. I spend most of my time trying to meet the deadlines, accumulate the information, and deal with people’s needs. Then when it comes down to it, I flop on the verbal delivery. I find it very difficult to communicate. I do my best, then I flop. How can this happen? Better yet, did it really happen? Did I really flop or did it just feel that way?
Either way, the main issue here is dealing with my fears. I knew the materials that we were discussing. I made the reports. It is my information. When it came time to talk, I froze with fear and simply did not want to talk anymore. I was praying for someone to chime in and speak up, in assistance. Why is this?
I have been and always will be the one who assists myself the most. I will be the one who speaks up. I’ve got what it takes and I know that I can pull it off. The issue is my nerves and fears. If I can find a way to handle that, I know that I can thrive.
Ahhhhh....Blogging...

My name is Kris. I am an artist, a mother, a healthy, happy (pretty and single) young woman who lives in North Austin. My son is SAM. He is eight years old and non stop entertainment. He keeps me in line.
Because of him, I run in the rat race of midstream high-tech society. I started in 1997. I got an AAS in Visual Communications-Multimedia Art. I specialize in 2-D animation. As a single mother, I was entitled to many scholarships. I busted my ass for two years and graduated with honors.
After graduation, I looked for a job. How ignorant was I? I made my portfolio. It mainly consisted of children's animations that I made in Flash. I had such high hopes. I based it on the fact that I am a talented artist. (Jeez! Am I conceited? or what? First, I am pretty now I am talented. Blogging is good for the ego, too!)
I looked for months and could not get a job delivery mail in an art house/production studio. So, I went to a recruiter. He placed me at Origin Systems/UO, working in Player Relations, banning the assholes who cussed too much in game. Losers! I worked there for six months...
One year later, I have a good job. I work as apart of a male dominated team on a decent product. I am not a male basher. Actually, I prefer it this way. The only hormonal one in the group is me. Not one to be catty with=no cat fights. Every day I drive to work and I day dream of a time when Austin was my dreamland. I thought that I would create this Blog as a way to record our past, our future. Not to mention, it is a great way to get the crap off of my chest.
Happy Samhaim-K
email me @ k1331@yahoo.com