Went to the doc yesterday. He is a good guy. We talked for an hour. Tried to not bullshit him...too much. I like talking with people, so its hard for me to say, I am struggling. He can see it in my eyes. Hell, even the clueless can see it in my eyes. I did something awful, but generous last year. And I feel very confused about it. My mom had a heart attack in March05. I was living in Texas and I felt very out of place. I was lost without her and my mind reeled, starting reeling and did not stop. When our lease was up, it was time to buy a house. Instead, we packed up and moved BACK to VA. We had the greatest of intentions. But, this is not working out for us. As a matter of fact, I feel like I am dieing inside. I made a HUGE mistake. But, I did it for family. Now, we are broke, struggling the East Coast Life, and trying to maintain a normal lifestyle with crazy children. I worked very hard on becoming a stable, sober, active person. But, what I ended up feeling like is: Doughy. Somewhere between being solid and liquid at the same time. Its hard to be motivated with the things that I love to do. I love my job. I love my art. I like working out. But, instead, I want to sleep a lot. The doc gave me pills for depression. They bring on dreams. So, I want to sleep so that I can dream of a better reality. Better? Well, stranger, thats for sure. Yesterday, he told me that its time to switch meds. The new meds will change my dreams back to normal. I know that its for the best to switch, but, I am afraid of missing one of the few things that make life bearable. Its probably why I am drinking again, too. Jack Daniels relaxes you and allows you to feel pliable. Not so hard faced, tough skinned. But, in reality, nothing can change this from the outside. Its my job to do it on the inside. I need to feel peace with my decisions. I need to feel support from my family and job with the decisions that I am about to make. Its my responsibility to live the life that I choose. Whether I am in Texas, Virginia, or the moon, all I really want is to feel secure with who I am, healthy, happy, sad (any emotion that is really mine), and alive in my environment. Am I asking for too much? Or is this what every person is entitled to? Sobriety is high on the list.

My kid is in love. She is 14 and looks 19. I want to warn him. But, I know that there is nothing that I can say that would make any sense to Mr. Hormonal LoveSlave. He has it bad. All I want to do is smile and say, Welcome to the best part of your life. Under no circumstances do you let the following items out of your reach: Life, Liberty, and all of your body parts. Keep them in the boat at all times.
Typical conversation with the kid:
Did you ever put it on the charger?
Yes, I did.
What are we talking about?
What? the phone or the batteries?
For what?
Bat Er Eees
What are you doing?
writing
What are you writing?
Its personal
Why?
Because it is personal.
All RIGHT
Fine
Ill leave you alone.

I asked my husband what events were the best part of 2005 for him. He is a quiet man. Often, what he says is acurate and to the point. Well, this time, he kinda went off. He leaned over and kissed me and said, every time we made love and swimming in the lake, off the side of the boat. I smiled really big. And that was all he said.
It was a hard year. You'd think that in an entire year, that a person would have better memories. The fact is, we aren't kids anymore. And I feel sorry for kids nowadays, anyway. Yeah, I know that makes me sound old. But, its true. I used to walk every where, get on boats with strangers, swim in oceans, and catch strange looking frogs under waterfalls. Today, kids worry about kids with guns on Zoloft. In 1979, we woulda said, "ZoWho"?
Its a tough world folks. If you have more then two good distinct memories of 2005, then Congratu Fuckin Lations.

Here is the poem of the day:

If I closed my eyes
I would still see you
looking at me
smilling
shirtless wonder
where did you come from?
where ya going?
im right beside you
where i wanna be
sweet thing
your flavor is the taste of my soul
sweet soul sister
is me
with this ring
for eternity
makes me most blessed creature of divinity.

May 2006 bring you many Bright Blessings