When I went back to school, Duke paid me for my year of work AND My parents, assisted us. They paid for my rent and for Seb's education. I have alot of gratitude for ther actions. We lived nicely with a pool of assistance from Duke Energy, Pell, scholarships, EIC, stocks, dividends, and my parents. I was capable of receiving bulk payments and spreading it out over 4-6 month time periods. It was an easy and bumpy ride...I enjoyed it. I also hated every last moment of it...
My independence is my way of survival. I rely on myself because many times I am the one who has to take care of basic survival amongst chaos and hostility...a.k.a. LIFE. I do so on my own. of which, I have made my decisions to do so along the way. Good men are not the only character trait that you need in a man...However, that is another story.
I would like to have a career as a writer, photographer and animator. This takes many hours of availability and sometimes can be unpaid. I will do this one day. When the time is right, I will go and do whatever it takes to have this career. For now I have the high tech industry to work in. Luckily, it teaches me about product development. I take from it and put it torwards the production of my life and art.
Hanging out with musical acts teaches me and fuels me to put energy into my goals of independence/art production. I am so thankful for having the opportunities that I have gained over the years.
I never want to do anything to jeopardize those blessings. These blessings come in the form of people. The question I ask myself is what do I give back to them? I love my Clutch friends very much. J. is one of my best friends... However, things have changed between us. He kissed me many times on the 2000 Solstice. I asked for it. I got it. I have wanted someone to kiss me for a long time now. I miss kissing. I dream of it. I love to kiss.
Since he has kissed me things have changed for me emotionally and professionally. I find that I am not only trying to create a story but I am also searching for his emotional support and caring in a more intimate manner. The problem is he is unavailable emotionally, physically, and geographically.
We both know it and dont really try to push this circle into a squares hole. he he...So take away those attributes of our relationship and we are left with the professional aspects, Right? Oh, please Lord. I hope that we can still work together.
Jeez! How many times have I had to ask that question of the different men in my life? I like musicians/artists/producers/managers. I surround myself with the type of men that I like. I live at work. I also work with them...I like it. I would love to work with my mate.
My philosphy is that we are all individuals. Yet, we need to be seen as entities: person. Not male, not female, Person. You treat this Person with respect under the golden rule. Do you want someone to open the door for you? Do you want someone to buy you lunch? Do you want someone to stand real close to you and hug you often? I dont NEED those things from "the people that I work with". I do need those things from my mate. Can we do this at home in private? Seperation of home and profession....I think so. However, as for J and me? Nope, these rules and boundaries are not understood or expressed. I believe that he see me as "female" not the person that I am. Therefore this (amongst other reasons) puts him in the "unavailable" category.
Can we still work together? Arghhhhhhhh...
