I cry when i ask my husband for help and he turns me down so quickly that i cannot begin to understand why.
i cry when my husband has his eye on the prize, but misses the view completely.
i cry when i am by myself, scared and alone and I realize that by choice this is where i am.
i cry when i want one thing, but do another, just to please someone who wants more then i can ever give.
i cry when my son is in anger, he feels alone and scared, and there is no man here to be his friend, mentor, and father figure.
i cry when i realize that i have made a mistake. i thought you were one person. instead, your another.
i cry when i have to say good bye. i have been crying for too long.

My luck is back!

"I'd rahter die behind the wheel"
Yeah, what you say is what gets to God's ears.
My momma, Kathleen taught me that. What I know now, is not what i knew then. I went to see you because honestly, i do remember saying actually vowing that to you. I said, no matter where you go, I will find you. So, I did. And one thing that I know is, all I want from you, is for you to find me too. I did what I was supposed to do and in return, its your turn.
Every night that I sleep and I dream of you, I say to myself, I just wanna hear his voice. I recognize it in my ssoul. It's not fair. Yeah, that is right. It is not fair of me to love you when I love someone else, too. BUT. It is a fact and no matter how I try, or even dare to splain it to someone else, I cant stop thinking about or loving you. I just wanna hear your voice face to face. And if that is the spell put upon me and the suffering that I must endure, (ha ha) this is what I want from you, in return. Find me. No matter where I go, find me, talk to me, remember me, and love me. LOTS. Yeah, there still is a girly side of me. Love me lots.
My husband, Charlie does really love me LOTS. He is a good guy, too. And, I hope that you get to meet him and I hope that he is apart of our lives in every way humanly possible. Because, I do love him, the same way that I love you, too. He was and is quintessential in my, our life. He has tken good care of me. He is everything that a man should be for/to his wife. I love him for this and I always will.
BUT
and I do mean this so sincerely. He is not you.
Whose ass am I trying to kiss here? it is just the truth and nothing can change that. I am just trying to be honest here. Does all of this fall into the category, of way to much information that I just dont give a damn about?
That is what is best. I guess.
It is hard to love so many and be owned by one.

Notes from Forever by KEM

It means,
Life's the same.
Even when you move
In stereo
or 5.1
or whatever
the sign of times suggest.

It means
when time stands still,
I continue to move
With you.

Somethings
Can never change.

Only We fly
Closer to the ground.

Someday, Maybe
The angels will show us how.

What we used to love
Hides
Behind the clouds
Of the fear inside
All that is left
is the desire to thrive.

im something
im nothing
im somewhere
in between
the reality
of silence
and the rapture
of me

can i get inside
the skin of self?
wisdoms belonging
to pain
and to nothing
and to no-one else
not knowing
the depths of death
the anger of pain
the stress of love
once again

twice in a row
just like that
the miracle occurs
in 3.5 seconds flat
owned by a heart
that beats too fast
lives in another world
cant get to
cant live in
cant share
just exists
somewhere
in the imagination
of lovers

we are defined
by the moment

Then life changes freely
...just like that