Last week was Halloween. I was so busy with my new job, that I did not make a new outfit. Last year, I hung out with kids and we walked the streets of South Austin. This year, we got to hang out with adults. WHOO HOOO. I crashed a party with my friend, Kris. It was thrown by a former co-worker. We worked together at a world making gaming company. He invited my best friend. She was busy moving. I overheard her talking about it with a friend and I made my way to crash it. Is it bad to want to go and have a good time even though I was not invited? I asked the host this question, too. He laughed and said: Kchick you are cool. I want people like you at all of my parties. He was super sweet about it. I guess that it makes sense. Every party that you throw, you worry about the dregs of the earth walking through your door. If the uninvited consist of me and Kris, cool. We had a great time. We laughed, made people laugh. However, it has been a year since I worked with those people. They all looked at me, like I know you. Who are you? It was quizical.
The strangely beautiful part started for me as we arrived to the party. It was dark outside. I drove up, knowing that it was the third house on the right, number blah, blah, blah. A man was walking towards the house. He stopped and looked at the car as we drove past. He looked straight into my eyes. I was taken aback with a pleasant zap. I said: Hello. For me, this is a miracle. usually, I freeze when ther is cuteness abound. A new thought process started for me at that point in time. Why cant I be a conversational instigator? Why cant I be a sexual instigator? Of course this was happening at the same time that I was begging God to please let this guy talk to me. Now, you know the point of todays blog...
He waited as I parked my car. Then he said to me, do you know where apartment blah, blah, blah is? It was straight in front of him, lit up like a big orange pumpkin. I guessed that was the location and we walked in together. I was silent. I felt for the situation at hand and I was having great stirrings about this guy I was entering the party with. I knew that I was crashing the party and I was afraid that we would enter to hear: Go away! It was a quiet reception. (Gamers are a reserved bunch) We walked outside to see if our friends were there. He walked outside, too. No more words were said to eachother for many hours. He and I orbitted around eachother and our respective friends. Being smokers we stayed outside most of the night. Hours went by, we were all having a good time. It was obvious to me that he was not going to come up and intro himself to me. I understand this. I hate this. I feel the same exact way: What if they treat me badly when I say hello? I went up to him and asked: what is your name? I genuinely wanted to know. His beauty enticed me. He had the most glowing green eyes. His hair was chesnut brown and waving past his hsoulders. He was tall, thin and he glowed, just glowed with beauty. I would go near him not needing any words to be said. Being near him was like being close to electricity, I could just feel the flow through my body. He was quiet. We made some talk and shared some wine. Ultimately, I would walk away because of my fear. Did he have a girlfriend? Was I being to pushy? What would my other friends think? How did this look? Ohhhh, what a waste of thought. It was so unecessary to think this way. If he was taken, he would tell me when I asked himout, right? Ask HIM out? Could I do this? Is this wrong to be this forward? Someone please help me..
I went away from him because I did want to bother him. Mind you, this was all so super steath. Being the only woman and many great all male teams has shown me the way to keeping my hormones in check. I have been surrounded by some great, kick ass artists who also represent the type of man that I want. i have had to keep my feelings in check, professionally, for months at a time. I can handle a party...
So, more then likely he did not know of how I felt. I was friendly with everyone. He only stood out in my heart and mind.
He was beautiful. His eyes are permanently emblazed in my minds eye. I feel blessed to have met him. I also feel like if it was meant to be, one day we will cross paths again. It was that strong of a connection then time will bring it around again. I can walk away from this with my memories. It really felt good to be near him. It felt like I did not need to say a word to be felt, to be known. It was a love that I had never felt before.
I had to write a poem about it, this is what came out:

If my eyes were greener,
Would I be the one for you?
If my smile was whiter then a cloud
Would you dream of me all day?
If my body was perfect,
Would you want me more?
If my heart was open,
Would you be ther for me?

If you walked past me and simply felt magnetized,
Would you follow?
Would you say those three little words:
“Hi, what’s up?”
If you did not know who I was,
Would you fear my rejection?
State of mind?
Status?
Could you cross that line?
Could you show that you care for me?

Ther is nothing more to see
My words are my depth
My actions, my souls caliber
The magnetism that you feel is mine.
So, by all means say those words to me…