"Failure is a sustained course of study for everthing you are doing right now. "
(loose quote)
Larry Harvey
Friday, October 06, 2006
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Bad dreams have become the only dreams that I remember or spend anytime with in early morning REM. I have been plagued with nightmares all of my life. When you only have NM, it has changes your personality. If you dont have a positive experience while you rest, it is hard to maintain sunshine during the day. I succeed a large portion of the time because I am a mother and I cannot let my anxiety and sadness rule my actions. I have failed in the past and the guilt alone asks your soul to please put it behind you and focus on your children not living as you have. Its sad really. Nightmares lead to anxiety and depression. Its a vicious circle.
I have been sick all week with a strange flu. I have been trying to break the fever in my sleep. But, I dont really sleep a lot because of the nightmares. So, this is the first time in my life that I have been sick with the flu longer then a few days. I can handle it. I have become amazingly more resilient. I seem to be getting stronger at understanding when the dreams occur or in that moment of waking, the nightmares arent real. Every once in a while, it happens to me. While I am unsuspectingly resting, next to my baby, drooling in deep slumber, my body and mind start twitching as I shake myself into the realm that the rest of my subconcious existence is urging me to experience. Either way its a dream. Every dream can hold the key to understanding. I entered this morning to experience hell. Unfortold by Dante, hell was not on earth, or in the hearts of man. Hell resides behind the veil. Like the Matrix, only a few could see it, but everyone experienced it.
I cant bring myself to tell you to story. I sit here listening to "tallica, eating yogurt and trail mix thinking blank thoughts about a non cohesive story. As each dream seems to be to most people. just a series of images that dont make any sense. This is what my waking mind is trying to accomplish. Its called blocking it out. Its how most people survive. Its how the veil is created. Who in their right mind would want to stay in the hell that nightmares depict? Yet, we all stay at jobs we hate, live in towns where we are hated, and try like mad to stay sane long enough to be creative, let alone loved by people more messed up then you! Most people believe rush hour is hell. Hell is rush hour traffic. But Hell is also terrifiying images of children being turned into demons. Hell was inside of me this morning.
I got off the private jet to smoke a cigarette. I was told that we were not leaving for another fifteen minutes. As I sat inhaling the sweet smoke, the engines roared. I thought it was a test. before I could say anything, the jet took off from a parked position, through a hole in the wall no bigger then a small car.
I was left behind. I went to the control room and begged for you to return for me. I was left on my own. Nothing could be done. I had to survive. I walked with the spirit of my sister. I saw a building with funny words on it, like Moose, Money, Mo. Mo Moose Money! As I laughed, she said to me, beware of that room right and she pointed to a downstairs portion of an old wharehouse. It was cleverly hidden behind the goofy sign that acted as a distraction to the evil that presided. I was looking at the top of the warehouse when she said this to me. As I changed views from top to bottom, I was thrown back by the feeling of evil all around me. I was visibly shaken. Instantly, I was alone again. I turned away from the evil and left, looking for a way home, thinking to myself, what many thought as safe was actually hell waiting for the mistake.
Next rememberable scene: I was under the stairs of the warehouse, under a spell. I was throwing poison darts at children that my team was battling. I was evil absorbed. I felt like throwing up. I threw a dart, but my goodness wouldnt allow me to hurt the child. I threw the dart like a dork with a soft weak wrist. The child caught it and was instantly poisoned becoming like the team of evil that attacked it. I ran away into the tunnels of the warehouse. Every room was occupied by some entity that was either aware of the nightmare or with people who went about their daily business, going to work, etc. I tried to find a place to sleep and was ran off by cranky monsters. when someone left for work, I snuck into their apartment and used the phone to call for help. I noticed the normal environment of the strangers house. I wondered each room, hoping for a phone. I called my guy. he said, I called you three times, where are you? I replied: three times! You have my purse that has my cell phone in it. Obviously, he was not the person to call in case of emergency. As I realized this, I sat their in shock, deep shock that was saying to me, your stuck here, Kris and you have to find a way home on your own. My next thought was: I am goin to makie it happen. God loves me. Then I woke up and I was late for work. I had overslept in nightmareville.
Sidebar/Irony= I am listening to The man comes around by Johnny Cash. Loose translation: Alpha and Omega kingdom's come was upon us and hell followed with him. In my case, hell followed her...
I have been sick all week with a strange flu. I have been trying to break the fever in my sleep. But, I dont really sleep a lot because of the nightmares. So, this is the first time in my life that I have been sick with the flu longer then a few days. I can handle it. I have become amazingly more resilient. I seem to be getting stronger at understanding when the dreams occur or in that moment of waking, the nightmares arent real. Every once in a while, it happens to me. While I am unsuspectingly resting, next to my baby, drooling in deep slumber, my body and mind start twitching as I shake myself into the realm that the rest of my subconcious existence is urging me to experience. Either way its a dream. Every dream can hold the key to understanding. I entered this morning to experience hell. Unfortold by Dante, hell was not on earth, or in the hearts of man. Hell resides behind the veil. Like the Matrix, only a few could see it, but everyone experienced it.
I cant bring myself to tell you to story. I sit here listening to "tallica, eating yogurt and trail mix thinking blank thoughts about a non cohesive story. As each dream seems to be to most people. just a series of images that dont make any sense. This is what my waking mind is trying to accomplish. Its called blocking it out. Its how most people survive. Its how the veil is created. Who in their right mind would want to stay in the hell that nightmares depict? Yet, we all stay at jobs we hate, live in towns where we are hated, and try like mad to stay sane long enough to be creative, let alone loved by people more messed up then you! Most people believe rush hour is hell. Hell is rush hour traffic. But Hell is also terrifiying images of children being turned into demons. Hell was inside of me this morning.
I got off the private jet to smoke a cigarette. I was told that we were not leaving for another fifteen minutes. As I sat inhaling the sweet smoke, the engines roared. I thought it was a test. before I could say anything, the jet took off from a parked position, through a hole in the wall no bigger then a small car.
I was left behind. I went to the control room and begged for you to return for me. I was left on my own. Nothing could be done. I had to survive. I walked with the spirit of my sister. I saw a building with funny words on it, like Moose, Money, Mo. Mo Moose Money! As I laughed, she said to me, beware of that room right and she pointed to a downstairs portion of an old wharehouse. It was cleverly hidden behind the goofy sign that acted as a distraction to the evil that presided. I was looking at the top of the warehouse when she said this to me. As I changed views from top to bottom, I was thrown back by the feeling of evil all around me. I was visibly shaken. Instantly, I was alone again. I turned away from the evil and left, looking for a way home, thinking to myself, what many thought as safe was actually hell waiting for the mistake.
Next rememberable scene: I was under the stairs of the warehouse, under a spell. I was throwing poison darts at children that my team was battling. I was evil absorbed. I felt like throwing up. I threw a dart, but my goodness wouldnt allow me to hurt the child. I threw the dart like a dork with a soft weak wrist. The child caught it and was instantly poisoned becoming like the team of evil that attacked it. I ran away into the tunnels of the warehouse. Every room was occupied by some entity that was either aware of the nightmare or with people who went about their daily business, going to work, etc. I tried to find a place to sleep and was ran off by cranky monsters. when someone left for work, I snuck into their apartment and used the phone to call for help. I noticed the normal environment of the strangers house. I wondered each room, hoping for a phone. I called my guy. he said, I called you three times, where are you? I replied: three times! You have my purse that has my cell phone in it. Obviously, he was not the person to call in case of emergency. As I realized this, I sat their in shock, deep shock that was saying to me, your stuck here, Kris and you have to find a way home on your own. My next thought was: I am goin to makie it happen. God loves me. Then I woke up and I was late for work. I had overslept in nightmareville.
Sidebar/Irony= I am listening to The man comes around by Johnny Cash. Loose translation: Alpha and Omega kingdom's come was upon us and hell followed with him. In my case, hell followed her...
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Favorites song right now=ShineDown-"beyond the sun"
Album=us and them
Lyrical quotes=
"Communicating thoughts of ways to never have to speak again
let me be the fire in your head."
"Look for me
the way you would
if you were blind"
Thoughts of the day:
Breathe freely
Focus
Kick ass like only I can
Be nice
No more prisoners needed
The house is full
Be very nice
Send seb good energy so he can survive high school. whoo hoo. it aint fun. survival is key, boi.
Album=us and them
Lyrical quotes=
"Communicating thoughts of ways to never have to speak again
let me be the fire in your head."
"Look for me
the way you would
if you were blind"
Thoughts of the day:
Breathe freely
Focus
Kick ass like only I can
Be nice
No more prisoners needed
The house is full
Be very nice
Send seb good energy so he can survive high school. whoo hoo. it aint fun. survival is key, boi.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)