The ink is dry,
The words go unspoken,
Everyone else has something to say,
I just smile and wave,
Middle finger on emphasis,
Fuck you all,
Mother Fuckers,
You dont know me,
You dont know him,
We are our own,
Not like you,
Got nothing to prove,
Just got a life to live.

Each day,
I learn to stand on my own.
Wobbling Foal,
I seek my nourishment.
Each day,
I cry,
For the loss,
of half my soul.
I see you walking,
Swimming in the waters.
I say to myself,
That aint him.
He's not mine.
I break some more.
I drink some more.
I break some more inside.
I watch time.
Cuz that aint him,
He aint mine.
Gone to the winds,
Im Stand in time.
By myself,
With my love,
Knowing,
We are gone.
We are done.
Say no more.
I find Joy.
Each day,
is a new way,
For Freedom

I Never Came by Queens of The Stone Age.

"When you say it's dead & gone
Yes, I know you're wrong

Cut & slash, sharpest knife
It won't die

Poison cup, drank it up
It won't die

No fire, no gun, no rope, no stone
It won't die

Why you gotta shove it in my face
As if you put me in my place
Cause I DON'T CARE
If you or me is wrong or right
Ain't gonna spend another night,
In your bed...
In your bed...

Laws of man, are just pretend
They ain't mine

Love so good, love so bad
It won't die

Some talk too long, they know it all
I just smile & move on

Words ain't free, like you & me
I don't mind...

Why'd you have to be so mean & cruel,
The dogs are loose i'm on to you
You ball & ...
Chained together from the dawn to dusk,
Can't call it leavin, cause it's just

I never came...."

I ran, worked on the eliptical, and rode the bike for 1.5 hours on Wednesday. I stretched between each source and I ate correctly. The night before I went out to the bar to compete in the trivia game at First Base. I didn't end up playing because my team mates didn't show up in time and one of my husband's lovers confronted me, wanting me to know how delusional I was for not believing her when she says no she didn't screw every single guy at the pool this summer, including my husband in my house. When she called me delusional, I told her: Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. AND Fuck You. She didn't protest. She knew that she could no further and that I wouldn't believe her. So, after walking off and calming down I realized one thing. People hate when people won't believe them and they clam right up. To truly understand what happened, you have to be open to the one percent (or higher) chance that you do not know the entire truth. To get this truth, I walked back out there and said, I don't you. I don't know why you would want to insist anything with me. So, I will give you the chance. And I listened...to her lie some more. LOL. I realized as she was talking that she was bi-polar, lost, and other things that I care to not judge. She fucked up. He fucked up. They wanted it to go away more then I did. They share each other's realm. I do not. I make their realm uncomfortable, simply by existing. Not my goal, but this is my home and no one can kick me out of it. We all live in the same complex. He chose not to move to another complex, amongst the thousands in the Cental Texas area. Not my problem. I wish to write, excercise, and move when I am ready. Today I am going to the doctor to see about my hands some more. Life is funny. When you take the time to face your issues instead of running away from your or other people's pain, you learn a lot and you get more done. I have run away too many times. Now, it't time to face the music and dance. Corny...UCCKKKK!

I ran for 1.33 miles in 45 minutes. I also rode a bike for twenty minutes, and stretched like an Indian Goddess. Yes, I am out of shape. But, at least I have a shape and that shape is round. I went to the apartment complex exercise room. I saw some associates, basically people I know from the complex. Without going into too much detail, because frankly I dont understand or care enough to understand, so I am sure you don't care either. The people here turned against me or simply stopped being a friend when my husband, Curt Mullins left me. He is a veteran of the US Navy, injured during OEF. He has a 60% mental disability. The entire relationship has been built around his disease, release from the Navy, and return to civilian life. I guess when he felt strong enough to be on his own, he left me. He moved two doors down and started acting like a dog in heat, chasing any girl at the pool in in view of my back patio, where I garden, paint, and smoke. He even had the nerve to bring one into my house while I was on the East Coast spending time with my Father before he died. I came home and I knew that someone had been in my bed, my living room, my world had essentially been invaded. So, I got raving lunatic mad and scared the shit out the stupid bitch (sb). LOL. So after the cops left (LOL), my dad calls me up and asks me to do one thing for him. He asked me to not fight anymore. He asked me to let Curt go and to bring peace and dignity into my world. He wanted to die with peace knowing that I was ok. So, I made a pact with myself. I would stay away from him and his sb's (stupid bitches)I guess because he didnt get the attention from me he wanted, he pushed the knife deeper into my back each and every chance he got. He acted like a fool, pushing my buttons. So, instead of fighting, I left. The day that I left, my father died before I got home to see him again. Was this tragic? The entire events of this past summer were fucking tragic. My dad was 64, died from a fucking brain tumor he did not have eleven months ago. My husband, Curt Mullins was a good man who lost his damn mind in ways I have absolutely no understanding of why. WHY? WHY did I lose my dad and my husband at the same time? I have spent a lot of time in pain, as you can imagine. I couldnt hold a job. Felt like I was going to lose my damn mind, soul, if I didnt just sleep. I slept for 9 hours, got up ate, smoked, went back to sleep for another 6 hours, got up ate, drank a shit ton of whatever I had, and then I wrote. I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. My world was too awful to review so I made up a new one with a story I call Breaking Inside. Only the title was inspired by the song, because it reflects a part of the story, but it 100% is in trine with ME and where I am.

Breaking Inside
By: Shinedown
Off: "The Sound of Madness"

"Dont tell me that Im the last one in line.
Dont tell me Im too late this time
I dont want to live to waste another day,
underneath the shadow of mistakes I made.
Cuz I feel like Im breaking inside
I dont want to fall to say I lost it all
Cuz maybe there is a part of me that hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like Im breaking inside."

My life right now is about rebuilding my world. I am trying really fucking hard because if I didn't, I'd probably died by now. If you know anyone going through a similiar hell or if you, yourself are, please contact me, follow this blog or find a way to find your own damn way to survive. And by all means get out there and get away from the shadow of the mistakes, whether they be your own or someone elses, get the fuck away from the pain, and start again.

Tomorrow, I plan on doing another two miles. I am currently 205lbs. My goal is 150, with muscle. 140 is my average, but now that I am 41, I better be realistic and just try to be healthy instead of thin.
Thanks for reading.
Kris

Quote of the Day:
Marijuana taught me a lot of math.