My art has finally started to refind me. As a mom, as a worker in the pre ipo industry, I bust my ass just to get through my day. When I get home, I have dinner, dishes, homework that can last up to three hours. Seb and I work very hard at achieving our happiness. When all is said and done with what it is that we are “required” to do, I still have to find time for my art, friends and eventually a lover. I spent the last year working very hard on a few projects. I attempted to create some commercial art for an Australian band. My management skills sucked. My art skills soared. I created some of the best materials of my life. I could not get the bands to return my calls, letters, etc. Everyone said: This is great work. They will contact you. To my greatest shock and dismay not a peep was uttered, not even a thank you came across. I worked very hard on it. No matter what I tell myself: they already had a contract with someone else. They did not care for a feminine touch. No matter what I say to myself, I think that deep down inside my worst fear is being fed to its delight. I cant say that I suck. I do not truly believe that. I was hurt by this rejection. My reaction was to stop fighting the good fight of forcing myself to believe long enough to produce. I did that and did not receive a fraction. So, what do I tell myself now?
How about the truth?
I make my art because I have no other choice. I love my style and my ways. When I create I feel like a woman, powerful, strong and beautiful. I create because it fills my heart with unprecedented joy. I fill myself with me when I create. So, who do I make this for and why? I make it for me because it makes me happy. My series of connected lines will always remind me of the date and time. I remember making my drawing, a spiritual coffee. It reminded me of my mother and how we would sit and stare at nothing, she with her coffee and me whining horrifically for us to leave. It reminded me of my childhood and the beauty of being adored, taken care and loved unconditionally. Every time I work on it, I feel so relaxed. I have tapped into my soul’s memories. No-one can take this away from me. I may be tested. But I will not lose this battle. I remembered the key to my success as an artist. No matter what I worked on something daily. I did this through will power and strength. I set my goals in writing. My best friend Cassie teases that I am to retentive. I know how I am going to spend the hours in my day. She is correct. By writing them down, they don’t slip away from me. I know what it is that I want to do, I drool for the time to come when I am out of work and my child sleeps peacefully. I plan it in my head. I create color schemes on the way to the restroom. Every step of the way, I try to create my focus. what more can I do in order to survive as an artist? I ask the universe this question. What more is ther for me to learn? I welcome the challenge. I look forward to the adventure. Please show me the way to living a good life with art as my anchor to sanity…
K
k1331@texas.net