I have mixed feelings. I am hung over like a tired, over worked, over stressed, mofo who had one margarita with dinner after four shots before getting on a plane. i am amazingly sober right now. but, i feel the pain baby. i dont have trouble flying usually. and i really mean it. i usually sit back, relax, and enjoy the g force. but, yesterday BWI and ORF were very empty and quiet. and I never felt so alone. i came to austin to be with Gus and Jennifer. we are going through a personal time and needed each other. i cannot emphasize the suck factor of life right now. and i sure as shit wont write about it, either.
When I separated from C at the airport, early and alone, part of me escaped into solitude. Another part of me worried myself into it. Part of me likes it here. By myself, I can hear the inner voice uninterrupted. But, by myself, I get into way too much trouble. For that I am sorry. For the journey and those that I met along the way, I am not and I have no regrets. Life is a beautiful time that can only be described as unwanted and totally received at the same time. I cant live with guilt, in a box, instead of fish, because I like cox. A connection, unallowed by the ring on my finger, but wanted by the soul is not wrong.
(for KC)

If you started peeling back layers of darkness, underneath you would find a fresh lady of female geneus, a.k.a. a girl...

She isn't a girl
She isn't a feminist nightmare
remove the darkness
You will see
The brightness
Fresh reality
Blinding light
Inside of me/she
Image of the Father
Love(d) of the Mother
Glowingly Irish
If such a thing exists
Its what this day would wish
Release the darkness inside
Allow me to be
Me/She


04/27

By Myself
I sigh
Deep Senses
Relief
Constant Fear
Laying
Beside Myself
I Breathe Deeply
Over
&
Over Again


Originally written on October 21st, 2006