"God is in the Rain."

Song: Duck and Run by 3 Doors Down

Mood: Spiritually Delicious

Its Friday!
I considered calling Curt this morning and telling him that I lost my keys. This way, he would come home and give me a jump on the day. But then, I thought, hell no. That man wouldn't appreciate a white lie from his wife, even it was for sex. Isn't that sad? I marry for love after being selective and 11 years single. I marry a man who is more focused on sleep and work then on making love. I ask: How does this happen?
The honest to Heaven answer is:
S T R E S S Kills Sex
BUT!
Sex rids us of S T R E S S

Vicious circle 101.

Went to the doc yesterday. He is a good guy. We talked for an hour. Tried to not bullshit him...too much. I like talking with people, so its hard for me to say, I am struggling. He can see it in my eyes. Hell, even the clueless can see it in my eyes. I did something awful, but generous last year. And I feel very confused about it. My mom had a heart attack in March05. I was living in Texas and I felt very out of place. I was lost without her and my mind reeled, starting reeling and did not stop. When our lease was up, it was time to buy a house. Instead, we packed up and moved BACK to VA. We had the greatest of intentions. But, this is not working out for us. As a matter of fact, I feel like I am dieing inside. I made a HUGE mistake. But, I did it for family. Now, we are broke, struggling the East Coast Life, and trying to maintain a normal lifestyle with crazy children. I worked very hard on becoming a stable, sober, active person. But, what I ended up feeling like is: Doughy. Somewhere between being solid and liquid at the same time. Its hard to be motivated with the things that I love to do. I love my job. I love my art. I like working out. But, instead, I want to sleep a lot. The doc gave me pills for depression. They bring on dreams. So, I want to sleep so that I can dream of a better reality. Better? Well, stranger, thats for sure. Yesterday, he told me that its time to switch meds. The new meds will change my dreams back to normal. I know that its for the best to switch, but, I am afraid of missing one of the few things that make life bearable. Its probably why I am drinking again, too. Jack Daniels relaxes you and allows you to feel pliable. Not so hard faced, tough skinned. But, in reality, nothing can change this from the outside. Its my job to do it on the inside. I need to feel peace with my decisions. I need to feel support from my family and job with the decisions that I am about to make. Its my responsibility to live the life that I choose. Whether I am in Texas, Virginia, or the moon, all I really want is to feel secure with who I am, healthy, happy, sad (any emotion that is really mine), and alive in my environment. Am I asking for too much? Or is this what every person is entitled to? Sobriety is high on the list.

My kid is in love. She is 14 and looks 19. I want to warn him. But, I know that there is nothing that I can say that would make any sense to Mr. Hormonal LoveSlave. He has it bad. All I want to do is smile and say, Welcome to the best part of your life. Under no circumstances do you let the following items out of your reach: Life, Liberty, and all of your body parts. Keep them in the boat at all times.
Typical conversation with the kid:
Did you ever put it on the charger?
Yes, I did.
What are we talking about?
What? the phone or the batteries?
For what?
Bat Er Eees
What are you doing?
writing
What are you writing?
Its personal
Why?
Because it is personal.
All RIGHT
Fine
Ill leave you alone.

I asked my husband what events were the best part of 2005 for him. He is a quiet man. Often, what he says is acurate and to the point. Well, this time, he kinda went off. He leaned over and kissed me and said, every time we made love and swimming in the lake, off the side of the boat. I smiled really big. And that was all he said.
It was a hard year. You'd think that in an entire year, that a person would have better memories. The fact is, we aren't kids anymore. And I feel sorry for kids nowadays, anyway. Yeah, I know that makes me sound old. But, its true. I used to walk every where, get on boats with strangers, swim in oceans, and catch strange looking frogs under waterfalls. Today, kids worry about kids with guns on Zoloft. In 1979, we woulda said, "ZoWho"?
Its a tough world folks. If you have more then two good distinct memories of 2005, then Congratu Fuckin Lations.

Here is the poem of the day:

If I closed my eyes
I would still see you
looking at me
smilling
shirtless wonder
where did you come from?
where ya going?
im right beside you
where i wanna be
sweet thing
your flavor is the taste of my soul
sweet soul sister
is me
with this ring
for eternity
makes me most blessed creature of divinity.

May 2006 bring you many Bright Blessings

Can I say too many times that I love you?
Does it ever get boring to hear?
Do you like to say the three words?
That give life to the dullness?
And passion to the lust?
Baby, your my man
And I am your Kris
Nothing is better then
Three words and a kiss

What gives light to the darkness?
One word:
Orgasm
Give salvation to the needy?
Maybe we can work on it a while
First
The world needs to hear
Three little words:
Give a fuck

Let us be together in the most honest of ways,
Above all else, honor
Truth is, as truth does
I wish I were at home so I don’t fall apart
I wish that I felt good today
Every day
And the next
The only thing I can imagine
Is trying my best
To be my best
Dry, comfortable eyes
Looking at the skyline
Saying nothing
Thinking peaceful thoughts
Being saved by the Father
And his divine plan
Take time for the self
Be one with the man
As only one can imagine
Peacefully
Honestly
But, never telling the whole truth
Lets be honest with each other here
What’s a good woman supposed to do?
My cat
My bag

Too many options. What sounds best for me and my soul’s journey?

Last night in my dreams, I was with a girl who met a man. We all hung out and played. He showed me his flying kitties. They rubbed up against my face, looking me in the eyes. After the third cat in a line of many did this, I got uncomfortable thinking is she kitty going to bite my face and enjoy her dinner? Then I looked closer at the kitties. They weren’t evil. They had lots of love around them. I picked one up and put her back down. She didn’t like that. I went to the middle of the line and looked at the flying fish kite that landed next to the kitties. “Were they real fish that can actually fly?” The cats rolled their eyes at me and said, no. I felt embarrassed so I let the kitties to themselves, cigars and booze were waiting if only the human would leave. So, I left. I went outside and I looked back up at the sky that they just landed from and I thought about the stars and the clouds. I went inside the house. My friends were sitting at a table. Our host was a rich man who was a lot like the French man in the Matrix. He was svelt and smooth as a tanned baby. He said to me: Kris can I get you something? Anything? I said, no thank you. I am fine. He smiled, I took a drink from my water cup. He and my friend started playing. She was sitting on his lap, kicking her legs into the air one at a time and he was tickling her. I left them alone and went back outside to the sky.

I did not know the French man. I did not know this strange place htat was now our home for the night. We were travelers and every where we went was our home. There was something magical about this place and still it felt like home. I sat in the hammock and I looked out over the ocean and I rested my soul. Dreaming in a dream, I rested. When I woke up, I went inside, back to the table. A server came in and said, this envelope belongs to you all. I opened it and the three of us each had one gift from the French man. He gave me a ticket. It was big, white, with gold type. In my dream, i recognized that I knew what the ticket was for. I even flashed back to the memory of him asking me for gift ideas and I said nothing, your hospitality and magic and presence is what is required. He smiled. I flashed back to another memory. I was sitting by the white table, reading the newspaper. I saw an ad for a concert and I said. Wow, its been a long time since I heard their music. I stood their holding the ticket remembering where I was when I made that statement. I thought of the table, the magazine, I thought that I was by myself. I snapped back from my memory of that moment, when my friend said: wow, he gave me 2,000. dollars! I took the check from her hand and I thought to myself, that’s not a check for 2,000. dollars! The zeroes were written as only it could be written in a dream and viewed in a dream. They moved and were smaller then small. It looked like 200 at first. Then I focused and I could see the tiny extra 2k zero. My second thought was: wow, why couldn’t I get 2k? third thought: what did she do to get 2k? fourth thought: wow, that is pretty kickass. I woke up shortly thereafter. I think that the zeroes made my brain realize that I was dreaming.

I call this poem: JESUS AllMighty In heaven

Work work work

Work work work

Work work work

Work work work

Go home

Cook

Clean clean clean

Laugh with kid

Laugh with kid

Be firm with the kid

Be firm with the kid

Kiss kid goodnight

Kiss kid goodnight

Crawl into cold east coast bed

Freeze next to husband

Freeze next to husband

Talk to husband

Listen to silence with husband

Pray

Sleep with husband

Dream of friends

Wake

Dreaming of home

Want to go home

Want to go home

Want to go home

Cry in shower

Quietly

Get self together

Again, again, and again

Time to start all over…

Again

JEEEZUS KRIST AHL MAI TEE

When does it end?

My Life in Chesapeake, Virginia

After the fall of Austin that we all predicted would happen, I left the small big city and I went to the big, big city, Washington, DC.

What in the name of great googly moogly was I thinking?

Culture comes at a cost. Its why politicians make big bucks and push it all over the place. Me, I was single momma, artist chick. Strange thing is I hated living there, but I had ALOT of time with my art, son, and family. Which is exactly what I did not have enough time to do in Austin.

We Escaped from Alexandria in the summer of 2002. I moved to the beach, Virginia Beach. I met a Navy man and we married in the summer of 2003. He is almost out of the Navy. Can you guess where we are moving to next?

HOME!

Its been two years since I posted to this site. I have so much new material on my home site of k1331.home.texas.net I hope that you visit that site on a regular basis.

Yesterday, I wrote a new poem. My poems have been theatrical performances for me. If I can stand up in my room and recite the words of my soul with passion, pity, or some other emotion, then I feel successful and I move on.

Favorite Sebastian quote:
Why is ther no U in few?

Music:
The sweet sounds of life projecting loudly thru my headphones or stereo. As, I study telephony or write in my journal or sit on my ass and stare at the wall, music is my companion.
My current favorites are:
Clutch-Drink to the Dead-Pure Rock Fury
Metallica-Astronomy-Garage Days Revisted
COC-Take waht you want-America's Volume Dealer
Black Label Society-Bored to Tears...
Many more musicos para me mundo. but you get the point. this is new music by great hard rock bands. go getcha some...

What was I saying? What was I doing? as IE went Cablooooooey?

Ever noticed how having a crush on someone resembles stalking someone?
I am not psycho. I dont call him. I dont email him. I dont do stalking actions. Its my mind, where we live. My affections feel so real. I know that they are not. They are fantasy and will probably remain that way forever. I dont draw his name over and over again. I imagine myself cuddled up to his chin, sleeping warmly during the black hole sun and cold winter air, drooling on his chest as we lay in perfect slumber. Lately, this has been my "happy thought". I walk around beautiful Austin. It is spring time. Fired dancing beautiful men are asking me out. CEO's smile at me. Women look twice. I glow with my happiness in a stressful, heavily populated Texas world. Shouldnt I be interested in the beauty before me? I will try. This seems the right thing to do. I cant live in my famtasies. I can live without you...

Do you ever write things and not remember them? later you read them and say to yourself: Oh, my God! I rock...here is one such item

In the light of the moon, I saw me looking at you
I left my body
I gained new sight
I found true love
I found comfort in the darkness of night

My songs all seem that they are about love between people. This is not the case. Most of my songs are about paranormal activitie such as spirit projection, travelling in dreams, and making contact with the etherworlds. What can I say? I find comfort in darkness....
K-
k1331@texas.net

Here is the song kris and i wrote last night:
I can find you anywhere
surrounded by darkness
I can find you..

I can find you anywhere
surrounded by darkness
I can find you..

Let me feel you again

There are fires burning downtown
Music moving
Bodies grooving

You can see me in my dreams
I will be ther waiting for you
Take me into your arms
whisper your hellos
With you is where I need to go...

I worried about my last entry for about another week. Then something hit me: Who really Cares? Am I being overly cautious when noone else seems to care? Here are the rules of surivival with a touring national act: Dont disrespect. Dont steal. Dont cheat. Dont spill the beans. Protect the circle. At the same time, the essential requirement have been simple: Dont be a meathead! With that in mind, I have once again pulled on the perverbial bootstraps. I was worried and I did not call J. for many months. We spoke yesterday. The tone was civil and caring. They are rolling through my turf next Friday, the 16th of Feb. We are invited to join the Tore up Tour, once more. I am so excited! I could go to sleep and wake up on Friday morning ready to go...Apart of me only lives in this circle of friends and music, Truly lives. If I could express that in musical and poetic terms this would complete my day/life.

The finer things keep shining through...

When I went back to school, Duke paid me for my year of work AND My parents, assisted us. They paid for my rent and for Seb's education. I have alot of gratitude for ther actions. We lived nicely with a pool of assistance from Duke Energy, Pell, scholarships, EIC, stocks, dividends, and my parents. I was capable of receiving bulk payments and spreading it out over 4-6 month time periods. It was an easy and bumpy ride...I enjoyed it. I also hated every last moment of it...
My independence is my way of survival. I rely on myself because many times I am the one who has to take care of basic survival amongst chaos and hostility...a.k.a. LIFE. I do so on my own. of which, I have made my decisions to do so along the way. Good men are not the only character trait that you need in a man...However, that is another story.
I would like to have a career as a writer, photographer and animator. This takes many hours of availability and sometimes can be unpaid. I will do this one day. When the time is right, I will go and do whatever it takes to have this career. For now I have the high tech industry to work in. Luckily, it teaches me about product development. I take from it and put it torwards the production of my life and art.
Hanging out with musical acts teaches me and fuels me to put energy into my goals of independence/art production. I am so thankful for having the opportunities that I have gained over the years.
I never want to do anything to jeopardize those blessings. These blessings come in the form of people. The question I ask myself is what do I give back to them? I love my Clutch friends very much. J. is one of my best friends... However, things have changed between us. He kissed me many times on the 2000 Solstice. I asked for it. I got it. I have wanted someone to kiss me for a long time now. I miss kissing. I dream of it. I love to kiss.
Since he has kissed me things have changed for me emotionally and professionally. I find that I am not only trying to create a story but I am also searching for his emotional support and caring in a more intimate manner. The problem is he is unavailable emotionally, physically, and geographically.
We both know it and dont really try to push this circle into a squares hole. he he...So take away those attributes of our relationship and we are left with the professional aspects, Right? Oh, please Lord. I hope that we can still work together.
Jeez! How many times have I had to ask that question of the different men in my life? I like musicians/artists/producers/managers. I surround myself with the type of men that I like. I live at work. I also work with them...I like it. I would love to work with my mate.
My philosphy is that we are all individuals. Yet, we need to be seen as entities: person. Not male, not female, Person. You treat this Person with respect under the golden rule. Do you want someone to open the door for you? Do you want someone to buy you lunch? Do you want someone to stand real close to you and hug you often? I dont NEED those things from "the people that I work with". I do need those things from my mate. Can we do this at home in private? Seperation of home and profession....I think so. However, as for J and me? Nope, these rules and boundaries are not understood or expressed. I believe that he see me as "female" not the person that I am. Therefore this (amongst other reasons) puts him in the "unavailable" category.
Can we still work together? Arghhhhhhhh...

Third post of the day:
Last night, I gave "Sammy" a card. In it I said: Thanks for the inspiration and Friendship. Anything that you may ever need, anywhere anytime, please do not hesitate to ask.
I gave him that card out of a deep love and respect of him as a person. His music has healed me and left me inspired to try to achieve anything that I want. I made him the card because in my heart, I had many things that I was feeling and I wanted to share it with him.
I gave him the card before they went on stage. He read it, partially. Then he realized that it was personal and put it in his pocket. After the show, his girlfriend comes up to me and says: Hi, I am "Shirley". I did not know that he had a girlfriend. I shoulda known that he did. He is a super cool person and a good man. I instantly started feeling guilty. I gave him that card because of my feelings. I gave a man who has a girlfriend a personal card. OOOOps.
Then I realized this: She is the lucky one. He has friends like me everywhere. He is not a dog fucking anyone over. If he cares for his sugar bunny, she wil be the one who knows. Again being the lucky one. Me giving him that card helped me to further express my feelings as a friend whom he deeply has inspired on many levels. I respect myself again...In harming noone I spoke my mind and heart. I do apologize for any misunderstandings.
K