Went to the doc yesterday. He is a good guy. We talked for an hour. Tried to not bullshit him...too much. I like talking with people, so its hard for me to say, I am struggling. He can see it in my eyes. Hell, even the clueless can see it in my eyes. I did something awful, but generous last year. And I feel very confused about it. My mom had a heart attack in March05. I was living in Texas and I felt very out of place. I was lost without her and my mind reeled, starting reeling and did not stop. When our lease was up, it was time to buy a house. Instead, we packed up and moved BACK to VA. We had the greatest of intentions. But, this is not working out for us. As a matter of fact, I feel like I am dieing inside. I made a HUGE mistake. But, I did it for family. Now, we are broke, struggling the East Coast Life, and trying to maintain a normal lifestyle with crazy children. I worked very hard on becoming a stable, sober, active person. But, what I ended up feeling like is: Doughy. Somewhere between being solid and liquid at the same time. Its hard to be motivated with the things that I love to do. I love my job. I love my art. I like working out. But, instead, I want to sleep a lot. The doc gave me pills for depression. They bring on dreams. So, I want to sleep so that I can dream of a better reality. Better? Well, stranger, thats for sure. Yesterday, he told me that its time to switch meds. The new meds will change my dreams back to normal. I know that its for the best to switch, but, I am afraid of missing one of the few things that make life bearable. Its probably why I am drinking again, too. Jack Daniels relaxes you and allows you to feel pliable. Not so hard faced, tough skinned. But, in reality, nothing can change this from the outside. Its my job to do it on the inside. I need to feel peace with my decisions. I need to feel support from my family and job with the decisions that I am about to make. Its my responsibility to live the life that I choose. Whether I am in Texas, Virginia, or the moon, all I really want is to feel secure with who I am, healthy, happy, sad (any emotion that is really mine), and alive in my environment. Am I asking for too much? Or is this what every person is entitled to? Sobriety is high on the list.