Dawni died. They say she died by herself. I guess in the long run some people are meant to be alone.

I'm so sad n blue I wrote a song... It's a
remix. My first one ever.

"I will be brave because I will survive. Hey. Hey! I will survive. God knows that I want to cry. My mind is lonely but my heart is broken. Too many times I had to set the pain aside. Took care of my men. So we could all get by. The pain went silent until that golden moment. Tempers flared so hard my good God damn got broken. Don't you dare gasp at me. If it was not for all us,  where would we be. Sad and quiet and way more lonely. We used to laugh so much, I broke a gut, sending stitches flying. There was so much love. ain't no denying. So sing it with me brothers and sister, future lovers one maybe all. Sing it with me, I will survive. I will survive. Hey. Hey! "
By Kris Moore

While cleaning up my documents, preparing to begin writing a new story that is called (working title) 50/50, I found some poetry from 2005 that I am pretty sure is mine. I will not edit, since I am no longer that person anymore.

 Friday, April 15, 2005

Flawless

Ideal love of the heart

Perfect dreams in tact

Ultimate sacrifice of time, self, and skill

Impeccable Outcome

Not to be denied

I want to

Not be denied

I want to

Live in the light

I want to stop making the damned sacrifice

Losing self

Losing soul

So that another selling can thrive

This place to be

Day after day

Does not belong to me and mine

Sew what you can

Earn what the Earth provides

Is all apart of an honorable design

Taken to the day’s extreme

My soul divides

Achievement

Between the day and the night

I sing to my child

Put him comfortably into his bedroom

Read to him

Talk with him

Comfort him

I would always be within the tiniest of quests

Through the living room, his little feet could wonder

Finding me in my deepest slumber

Each night before I slept

A promise to myself, I forged

With pen in hand

I opened my mind, pointed to the path,

Letting it proceed onto the pages

The only fear I knew was in completion

Good enough for me was my goal of perfectionism

Peace in my heart with a good job done

It’s the best that I can and always will accomplish

To be an artist who is a good mother, is and always will be my most complete wish.

Salvation!

Raise hope beyond reason

Disregard falicies of truth

Hold your own place

In this world of your own definition

Make it a home for all to find comfort in

Today tomorrow and the next day

Within this calm

We are alive

Hope is our fuel

Art is the food of our soul

Love is our drive

In this life time i am perfect

In this place i am perfect

Seeing myself through God's eyes.

Disclosure

If i see the future and you are not with me

do you want me to tell you the truth
do you want me to see you out the door

smile and wave good bye?

i will see you again

this i know to be true

with every step that i take, in this life, i will think of you

in the next life

i will remember you then too

somehow, we are all sisters

sharing this moment

then the next, one right after another

circle of six, seven, eight, nine, ten

get up and start all over again

this dance was made in the heavens

the gods were bored and in love

when they made me and you and you and you

If i see the future and you don't like it

will you want me to tell the truth?

should I shut my mouth

when I close my eyes?

drift away and say goodbye?

A smile on my lips

is like a moment on the hips

dancing to the subtle truths of the heavens

not created by you or I

dutifully followed

in the hopes of successing a dream

this place

the next

its all the same to me

but in your eyes

i am perfect

and that will always be the place where i want to be

_______________________________________________

this chime filled heaven

called out my name

senorita kristina

vien con migo

come with me

come to me

be apart of the everything that is nothing

but exactly where you want to be

this was my dream

this is my reality

if i followed your dream and made it mine

where would i end?

would i follow the same path to heaven

or would i go there to find your heaven is in fact my desired place to be?

if i could have anything in this world

it would be for you to want

what is best and precise for me

me me me

is it all about you

trying to justly treat

other desires

of our life

means we can learn to dance the wrath of daily life

how do i do this?

how do i want for me, what other want for themselves?

how can others want for them, want i want for myself?

this is a direct conflict of realities

what i want

what i need

cannot be everything to another human being

what they want

what they need

doesn't always fit into your own reality

how can it fit into another's dreams of self?

we see the pride

the prejudice

of the sins of man before us

what can we do

learn and see our justice through

strength and honor above all

strength of self

honor of family

which one is more true?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Family Forever sometimes means letting go when you do not want to?
How does that make any sense?
Are you saying that you would be happier not being a part of this family? The same family that put you first time and time again?
Raising children is not for the squeamish.

-Kris
Yours Truly, My Love

Deep inside
I'm shaking
To hold on
Hold
Or let go
Singing a song
I've sung all along
Didn't do
A good one
It did me
Growing
Under my skin
Like a necratic disease
Blackened souls
To the depth
 We plunder
No need for breathe
Our hearts
Made of thunder

I stole a kiss. 
A last kiss from me to you? 
Maybe. 
Maybe not. 
In the moment 
It was the best that I could do.

To feel love is to be free within.
I'm you and me.
Remorse.
Never.
Pride.
The feeling in my chest is me never giving up on you.
Pretending.
Not a fool.
Reletting.
Like I must.
Belong to The Truth.
In my heart (I will)I (must stop) belong to you.
My strength.
My purity.
My beauty.
So true.
Just try to stop me, Bitches.

The location of your grinch heart;you
Blackened to the core
Breathe out
Breathe in
And Repeat
Open your eyes
Muchabeaute surrounds you
Do you feel it?
The location of your spine is welded to will
Will you believe in muchabeaute?
Or will you decide uopn too much to lose?
I understand now
Catstrophic loss
Should not Define a man
We did not design the input.
Decide the outcome by choice
Free will,
Smart action?
This is where my mind is at today.
Will I have the strength to remain in the light?
I love the darkness, too
I love
It's what I do

I have been very quiet lately. I haven't written, drawen, or taken photos of anything. I have attended a few great shows and only one average one. But, we all have average times, don't we? It is the dead of summer and I am pale, round AND chubby. Something that has been on my mind lately is pain and more pain. My arms, legs, and head hurt often. Though, I am happy. I try to stay on top of the meds, etc. But what is the point? It pain meds right? You are either high or in pain. There has to be a better way to live. The point is to be fit, to be sated.

Does any human feel that way?

Until I do, I will not give up. Not ever. Maybe in the process, I can lose some weight, finish a project, maybe get a tan, and a good guy.

I dreamnt about Curt last night. We were the people we are today. He was helping me move, but being of no assistance whatsoever. We would go into the storage unit, he'd start talking, pick up something light then walk away. He would go talk to people then come back hours later. Nothing was getting done with the move. Days went by. At some point he held my hand. I let go of it. I let go of him.
It was nice to have a dream where he was not a complete freak. It was nice to see his face smiling at me, even though it was evident that he is still the body snatcher and not my husband...anymore.

Beautiful and Real
Maybe
Real Beautiful
Maybe not
Assumptive stances
Removing anger
Take us
To the right places
Hallelujah
and
Ahmen
Beautiful Light
Together Again

"I love you.

I shouldn't.
But, I do

I think
I can hold the candle
to nothing
but a breeze
that never consumes
A thought gone by
I can not lose
Give myself
Holy to you
Died with that
over
and over
again
The only thing I can say
is
No more death

I lie to myself this way

I (forget to not) care deeply
from a place
completely at peace
and not badly broken

Believing in me
Believing in you
It's just what I do
Choice were mine
Maybe things would be different
Fair enough you say?
No.
I do not care deeply
for this truth.

Go on
Live each day

Breath my memory
With each chosen breath
Taste me
We all have a flavor
Of the flesh
Of the mind
Is the only one that matters

Go on
It is not OK
Ignore me
I still feel you anyway
Try
I dare you

I know you tried

Try harder!
It should be so easy

Let me go
Let me stay
Let me be loved
I want no other

Go for it
OR
Love me, too


Hold on

or

Let go.

I recommend both"

I know I scare you!

Evil has met it's match
A true crime of
Under simplified ignorance
This complexity
Gains power from the mind

"I love you.

I shouldn't.
But, I do

I think
I can hold the candle
To nothing
but a breeze
that never consumes
A thought gone by

I can not lose
Give myself
Holy to you
Died with that
over
and over
again

The only thing I can say
is
No more death

I lie to myself this way

I (forget to not) care deeply
from a place
completely at peace
and
broken badly

Believing in me
Believing in you
It's just what I do
Choice were mine
Maybe things would be different
Fair enough you say?
No.
I do not care deeply
For this truth

Go on
live each day
breath my memory
with each chosen breath
Taste me
We all have a flavor

Go on
It is not OK
Ignore me
I still feel you

Try
I dare you
I know you tried

Try harder!

Let me go
Let me be loved
Maybe by another
Who does not exist right now

Go for it
OR
Love me

Grab my ass
and don''t you fucking dare let go!

It's that simple baby
hold on
or
let go

I recommend both"

"The heart never speaks but you must listen to know"-Chinese Proverb.

My heart tells me to move along to the next task. My ass follows me wherever I go. Thank heaven. Otherwise, I might lose it.

I may not be pretty or polite. For what I lack, I make up for with power. Power of the heart, mind, and soul. These are the tools that helped my children grow. It is what I hold onto when I create something from nothing, when I am alone. Fierce is not my perception. Can you see through my facade?

Busted Ass
Life gone wrong
Took too much
Now
Im on my own
New Life
Same me
Fun loving
Victory
We walked
Through Hell
To Get
To Hell
Separated
I Strive
To live
Greatly
Never
Thought I'd walk this life alone
Never
Made it with you by my side
Somethings are not allowed
Through the halls of time
Cursed greatness
Sold our souls
We went through hell
To get to Hell
Got nothing good in return
The wrong kind of love
Kept us alive
And that Love
Wont die
The roots run so deep
Between you and me
My love is still alive
Feeding off my pain
Laughing at me
Making me hate
Myself
For Love
You
and
I
The factors
That kept us alive
You
And
I
So this hell
That we
put me through
I leave by myself
Forever
With you...

The ink is dry,
The words go unspoken,
Everyone else has something to say,
I just smile and wave,
Middle finger on emphasis,
Fuck you all,
Mother Fuckers,
You dont know me,
You dont know him,
We are our own,
Not like you,
Got nothing to prove,
Just got a life to live.

Each day,
I learn to stand on my own.
Wobbling Foal,
I seek my nourishment.
Each day,
I cry,
For the loss,
of half my soul.
I see you walking,
Swimming in the waters.
I say to myself,
That aint him.
He's not mine.
I break some more.
I drink some more.
I break some more inside.
I watch time.
Cuz that aint him,
He aint mine.
Gone to the winds,
Im Stand in time.
By myself,
With my love,
Knowing,
We are gone.
We are done.
Say no more.
I find Joy.
Each day,
is a new way,
For Freedom

I Never Came by Queens of The Stone Age.

"When you say it's dead & gone
Yes, I know you're wrong

Cut & slash, sharpest knife
It won't die

Poison cup, drank it up
It won't die

No fire, no gun, no rope, no stone
It won't die

Why you gotta shove it in my face
As if you put me in my place
Cause I DON'T CARE
If you or me is wrong or right
Ain't gonna spend another night,
In your bed...
In your bed...

Laws of man, are just pretend
They ain't mine

Love so good, love so bad
It won't die

Some talk too long, they know it all
I just smile & move on

Words ain't free, like you & me
I don't mind...

Why'd you have to be so mean & cruel,
The dogs are loose i'm on to you
You ball & ...
Chained together from the dawn to dusk,
Can't call it leavin, cause it's just

I never came...."

I ran, worked on the eliptical, and rode the bike for 1.5 hours on Wednesday. I stretched between each source and I ate correctly. The night before I went out to the bar to compete in the trivia game at First Base. I didn't end up playing because my team mates didn't show up in time and one of my husband's lovers confronted me, wanting me to know how delusional I was for not believing her when she says no she didn't screw every single guy at the pool this summer, including my husband in my house. When she called me delusional, I told her: Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. AND Fuck You. She didn't protest. She knew that she could no further and that I wouldn't believe her. So, after walking off and calming down I realized one thing. People hate when people won't believe them and they clam right up. To truly understand what happened, you have to be open to the one percent (or higher) chance that you do not know the entire truth. To get this truth, I walked back out there and said, I don't you. I don't know why you would want to insist anything with me. So, I will give you the chance. And I listened...to her lie some more. LOL. I realized as she was talking that she was bi-polar, lost, and other things that I care to not judge. She fucked up. He fucked up. They wanted it to go away more then I did. They share each other's realm. I do not. I make their realm uncomfortable, simply by existing. Not my goal, but this is my home and no one can kick me out of it. We all live in the same complex. He chose not to move to another complex, amongst the thousands in the Cental Texas area. Not my problem. I wish to write, excercise, and move when I am ready. Today I am going to the doctor to see about my hands some more. Life is funny. When you take the time to face your issues instead of running away from your or other people's pain, you learn a lot and you get more done. I have run away too many times. Now, it't time to face the music and dance. Corny...UCCKKKK!

I ran for 1.33 miles in 45 minutes. I also rode a bike for twenty minutes, and stretched like an Indian Goddess. Yes, I am out of shape. But, at least I have a shape and that shape is round. I went to the apartment complex exercise room. I saw some associates, basically people I know from the complex. Without going into too much detail, because frankly I dont understand or care enough to understand, so I am sure you don't care either. The people here turned against me or simply stopped being a friend when my husband, Curt Mullins left me. He is a veteran of the US Navy, injured during OEF. He has a 60% mental disability. The entire relationship has been built around his disease, release from the Navy, and return to civilian life. I guess when he felt strong enough to be on his own, he left me. He moved two doors down and started acting like a dog in heat, chasing any girl at the pool in in view of my back patio, where I garden, paint, and smoke. He even had the nerve to bring one into my house while I was on the East Coast spending time with my Father before he died. I came home and I knew that someone had been in my bed, my living room, my world had essentially been invaded. So, I got raving lunatic mad and scared the shit out the stupid bitch (sb). LOL. So after the cops left (LOL), my dad calls me up and asks me to do one thing for him. He asked me to not fight anymore. He asked me to let Curt go and to bring peace and dignity into my world. He wanted to die with peace knowing that I was ok. So, I made a pact with myself. I would stay away from him and his sb's (stupid bitches)I guess because he didnt get the attention from me he wanted, he pushed the knife deeper into my back each and every chance he got. He acted like a fool, pushing my buttons. So, instead of fighting, I left. The day that I left, my father died before I got home to see him again. Was this tragic? The entire events of this past summer were fucking tragic. My dad was 64, died from a fucking brain tumor he did not have eleven months ago. My husband, Curt Mullins was a good man who lost his damn mind in ways I have absolutely no understanding of why. WHY? WHY did I lose my dad and my husband at the same time? I have spent a lot of time in pain, as you can imagine. I couldnt hold a job. Felt like I was going to lose my damn mind, soul, if I didnt just sleep. I slept for 9 hours, got up ate, smoked, went back to sleep for another 6 hours, got up ate, drank a shit ton of whatever I had, and then I wrote. I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. My world was too awful to review so I made up a new one with a story I call Breaking Inside. Only the title was inspired by the song, because it reflects a part of the story, but it 100% is in trine with ME and where I am.

Breaking Inside
By: Shinedown
Off: "The Sound of Madness"

"Dont tell me that Im the last one in line.
Dont tell me Im too late this time
I dont want to live to waste another day,
underneath the shadow of mistakes I made.
Cuz I feel like Im breaking inside
I dont want to fall to say I lost it all
Cuz maybe there is a part of me that hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like Im breaking inside."

My life right now is about rebuilding my world. I am trying really fucking hard because if I didn't, I'd probably died by now. If you know anyone going through a similiar hell or if you, yourself are, please contact me, follow this blog or find a way to find your own damn way to survive. And by all means get out there and get away from the shadow of the mistakes, whether they be your own or someone elses, get the fuck away from the pain, and start again.

Tomorrow, I plan on doing another two miles. I am currently 205lbs. My goal is 150, with muscle. 140 is my average, but now that I am 41, I better be realistic and just try to be healthy instead of thin.
Thanks for reading.
Kris