I ran for 1.33 miles in 45 minutes. I also rode a bike for twenty minutes, and stretched like an Indian Goddess. Yes, I am out of shape. But, at least I have a shape and that shape is round. I went to the apartment complex exercise room. I saw some associates, basically people I know from the complex. Without going into too much detail, because frankly I dont understand or care enough to understand, so I am sure you don't care either. The people here turned against me or simply stopped being a friend when my husband, Curt Mullins left me. He is a veteran of the US Navy, injured during OEF. He has a 60% mental disability. The entire relationship has been built around his disease, release from the Navy, and return to civilian life. I guess when he felt strong enough to be on his own, he left me. He moved two doors down and started acting like a dog in heat, chasing any girl at the pool in in view of my back patio, where I garden, paint, and smoke. He even had the nerve to bring one into my house while I was on the East Coast spending time with my Father before he died. I came home and I knew that someone had been in my bed, my living room, my world had essentially been invaded. So, I got raving lunatic mad and scared the shit out the stupid bitch (sb). LOL. So after the cops left (LOL), my dad calls me up and asks me to do one thing for him. He asked me to not fight anymore. He asked me to let Curt go and to bring peace and dignity into my world. He wanted to die with peace knowing that I was ok. So, I made a pact with myself. I would stay away from him and his sb's (stupid bitches)I guess because he didnt get the attention from me he wanted, he pushed the knife deeper into my back each and every chance he got. He acted like a fool, pushing my buttons. So, instead of fighting, I left. The day that I left, my father died before I got home to see him again. Was this tragic? The entire events of this past summer were fucking tragic. My dad was 64, died from a fucking brain tumor he did not have eleven months ago. My husband, Curt Mullins was a good man who lost his damn mind in ways I have absolutely no understanding of why. WHY? WHY did I lose my dad and my husband at the same time? I have spent a lot of time in pain, as you can imagine. I couldnt hold a job. Felt like I was going to lose my damn mind, soul, if I didnt just sleep. I slept for 9 hours, got up ate, smoked, went back to sleep for another 6 hours, got up ate, drank a shit ton of whatever I had, and then I wrote. I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. My world was too awful to review so I made up a new one with a story I call Breaking Inside. Only the title was inspired by the song, because it reflects a part of the story, but it 100% is in trine with ME and where I am.

Breaking Inside
By: Shinedown
Off: "The Sound of Madness"

"Dont tell me that Im the last one in line.
Dont tell me Im too late this time
I dont want to live to waste another day,
underneath the shadow of mistakes I made.
Cuz I feel like Im breaking inside
I dont want to fall to say I lost it all
Cuz maybe there is a part of me that hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like Im breaking inside."

My life right now is about rebuilding my world. I am trying really fucking hard because if I didn't, I'd probably died by now. If you know anyone going through a similiar hell or if you, yourself are, please contact me, follow this blog or find a way to find your own damn way to survive. And by all means get out there and get away from the shadow of the mistakes, whether they be your own or someone elses, get the fuck away from the pain, and start again.

Tomorrow, I plan on doing another two miles. I am currently 205lbs. My goal is 150, with muscle. 140 is my average, but now that I am 41, I better be realistic and just try to be healthy instead of thin.
Thanks for reading.
Kris