The location of your grinch heart;you
Blackened to the core
Breathe out
Breathe in
And Repeat
Open your eyes
Muchabeaute surrounds you
Do you feel it?
The location of your spine is welded to will
Will you believe in muchabeaute?
Or will you decide uopn too much to lose?
I understand now
Catstrophic loss
Should not Define a man
We did not design the input.
Decide the outcome by choice
Free will,
Smart action?
This is where my mind is at today.
Will I have the strength to remain in the light?
I love the darkness, too
I love
It's what I do

I have been very quiet lately. I haven't written, drawen, or taken photos of anything. I have attended a few great shows and only one average one. But, we all have average times, don't we? It is the dead of summer and I am pale, round AND chubby. Something that has been on my mind lately is pain and more pain. My arms, legs, and head hurt often. Though, I am happy. I try to stay on top of the meds, etc. But what is the point? It pain meds right? You are either high or in pain. There has to be a better way to live. The point is to be fit, to be sated.

Does any human feel that way?

Until I do, I will not give up. Not ever. Maybe in the process, I can lose some weight, finish a project, maybe get a tan, and a good guy.

I dreamnt about Curt last night. We were the people we are today. He was helping me move, but being of no assistance whatsoever. We would go into the storage unit, he'd start talking, pick up something light then walk away. He would go talk to people then come back hours later. Nothing was getting done with the move. Days went by. At some point he held my hand. I let go of it. I let go of him.
It was nice to have a dream where he was not a complete freak. It was nice to see his face smiling at me, even though it was evident that he is still the body snatcher and not my husband...anymore.

Beautiful and Real
Maybe
Real Beautiful
Maybe not
Assumptive stances
Removing anger
Take us
To the right places
Hallelujah
and
Ahmen
Beautiful Light
Together Again

"I love you.

I shouldn't.
But, I do

I think
I can hold the candle
to nothing
but a breeze
that never consumes
A thought gone by
I can not lose
Give myself
Holy to you
Died with that
over
and over
again
The only thing I can say
is
No more death

I lie to myself this way

I (forget to not) care deeply
from a place
completely at peace
and not badly broken

Believing in me
Believing in you
It's just what I do
Choice were mine
Maybe things would be different
Fair enough you say?
No.
I do not care deeply
for this truth.

Go on
Live each day

Breath my memory
With each chosen breath
Taste me
We all have a flavor
Of the flesh
Of the mind
Is the only one that matters

Go on
It is not OK
Ignore me
I still feel you anyway
Try
I dare you

I know you tried

Try harder!
It should be so easy

Let me go
Let me stay
Let me be loved
I want no other

Go for it
OR
Love me, too


Hold on

or

Let go.

I recommend both"

I know I scare you!

Evil has met it's match
A true crime of
Under simplified ignorance
This complexity
Gains power from the mind

"I love you.

I shouldn't.
But, I do

I think
I can hold the candle
To nothing
but a breeze
that never consumes
A thought gone by

I can not lose
Give myself
Holy to you
Died with that
over
and over
again

The only thing I can say
is
No more death

I lie to myself this way

I (forget to not) care deeply
from a place
completely at peace
and
broken badly

Believing in me
Believing in you
It's just what I do
Choice were mine
Maybe things would be different
Fair enough you say?
No.
I do not care deeply
For this truth

Go on
live each day
breath my memory
with each chosen breath
Taste me
We all have a flavor

Go on
It is not OK
Ignore me
I still feel you

Try
I dare you
I know you tried

Try harder!

Let me go
Let me be loved
Maybe by another
Who does not exist right now

Go for it
OR
Love me

Grab my ass
and don''t you fucking dare let go!

It's that simple baby
hold on
or
let go

I recommend both"

"The heart never speaks but you must listen to know"-Chinese Proverb.

My heart tells me to move along to the next task. My ass follows me wherever I go. Thank heaven. Otherwise, I might lose it.

I may not be pretty or polite. For what I lack, I make up for with power. Power of the heart, mind, and soul. These are the tools that helped my children grow. It is what I hold onto when I create something from nothing, when I am alone. Fierce is not my perception. Can you see through my facade?

Busted Ass
Life gone wrong
Took too much
Now
Im on my own
New Life
Same me
Fun loving
Victory
We walked
Through Hell
To Get
To Hell
Separated
I Strive
To live
Greatly
Never
Thought I'd walk this life alone
Never
Made it with you by my side
Somethings are not allowed
Through the halls of time
Cursed greatness
Sold our souls
We went through hell
To get to Hell
Got nothing good in return
The wrong kind of love
Kept us alive
And that Love
Wont die
The roots run so deep
Between you and me
My love is still alive
Feeding off my pain
Laughing at me
Making me hate
Myself
For Love
You
and
I
The factors
That kept us alive
You
And
I
So this hell
That we
put me through
I leave by myself
Forever
With you...

The ink is dry,
The words go unspoken,
Everyone else has something to say,
I just smile and wave,
Middle finger on emphasis,
Fuck you all,
Mother Fuckers,
You dont know me,
You dont know him,
We are our own,
Not like you,
Got nothing to prove,
Just got a life to live.

Each day,
I learn to stand on my own.
Wobbling Foal,
I seek my nourishment.
Each day,
I cry,
For the loss,
of half my soul.
I see you walking,
Swimming in the waters.
I say to myself,
That aint him.
He's not mine.
I break some more.
I drink some more.
I break some more inside.
I watch time.
Cuz that aint him,
He aint mine.
Gone to the winds,
Im Stand in time.
By myself,
With my love,
Knowing,
We are gone.
We are done.
Say no more.
I find Joy.
Each day,
is a new way,
For Freedom

I Never Came by Queens of The Stone Age.

"When you say it's dead & gone
Yes, I know you're wrong

Cut & slash, sharpest knife
It won't die

Poison cup, drank it up
It won't die

No fire, no gun, no rope, no stone
It won't die

Why you gotta shove it in my face
As if you put me in my place
Cause I DON'T CARE
If you or me is wrong or right
Ain't gonna spend another night,
In your bed...
In your bed...

Laws of man, are just pretend
They ain't mine

Love so good, love so bad
It won't die

Some talk too long, they know it all
I just smile & move on

Words ain't free, like you & me
I don't mind...

Why'd you have to be so mean & cruel,
The dogs are loose i'm on to you
You ball & ...
Chained together from the dawn to dusk,
Can't call it leavin, cause it's just

I never came...."

I ran, worked on the eliptical, and rode the bike for 1.5 hours on Wednesday. I stretched between each source and I ate correctly. The night before I went out to the bar to compete in the trivia game at First Base. I didn't end up playing because my team mates didn't show up in time and one of my husband's lovers confronted me, wanting me to know how delusional I was for not believing her when she says no she didn't screw every single guy at the pool this summer, including my husband in my house. When she called me delusional, I told her: Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. AND Fuck You. She didn't protest. She knew that she could no further and that I wouldn't believe her. So, after walking off and calming down I realized one thing. People hate when people won't believe them and they clam right up. To truly understand what happened, you have to be open to the one percent (or higher) chance that you do not know the entire truth. To get this truth, I walked back out there and said, I don't you. I don't know why you would want to insist anything with me. So, I will give you the chance. And I listened...to her lie some more. LOL. I realized as she was talking that she was bi-polar, lost, and other things that I care to not judge. She fucked up. He fucked up. They wanted it to go away more then I did. They share each other's realm. I do not. I make their realm uncomfortable, simply by existing. Not my goal, but this is my home and no one can kick me out of it. We all live in the same complex. He chose not to move to another complex, amongst the thousands in the Cental Texas area. Not my problem. I wish to write, excercise, and move when I am ready. Today I am going to the doctor to see about my hands some more. Life is funny. When you take the time to face your issues instead of running away from your or other people's pain, you learn a lot and you get more done. I have run away too many times. Now, it't time to face the music and dance. Corny...UCCKKKK!

I ran for 1.33 miles in 45 minutes. I also rode a bike for twenty minutes, and stretched like an Indian Goddess. Yes, I am out of shape. But, at least I have a shape and that shape is round. I went to the apartment complex exercise room. I saw some associates, basically people I know from the complex. Without going into too much detail, because frankly I dont understand or care enough to understand, so I am sure you don't care either. The people here turned against me or simply stopped being a friend when my husband, Curt Mullins left me. He is a veteran of the US Navy, injured during OEF. He has a 60% mental disability. The entire relationship has been built around his disease, release from the Navy, and return to civilian life. I guess when he felt strong enough to be on his own, he left me. He moved two doors down and started acting like a dog in heat, chasing any girl at the pool in in view of my back patio, where I garden, paint, and smoke. He even had the nerve to bring one into my house while I was on the East Coast spending time with my Father before he died. I came home and I knew that someone had been in my bed, my living room, my world had essentially been invaded. So, I got raving lunatic mad and scared the shit out the stupid bitch (sb). LOL. So after the cops left (LOL), my dad calls me up and asks me to do one thing for him. He asked me to not fight anymore. He asked me to let Curt go and to bring peace and dignity into my world. He wanted to die with peace knowing that I was ok. So, I made a pact with myself. I would stay away from him and his sb's (stupid bitches)I guess because he didnt get the attention from me he wanted, he pushed the knife deeper into my back each and every chance he got. He acted like a fool, pushing my buttons. So, instead of fighting, I left. The day that I left, my father died before I got home to see him again. Was this tragic? The entire events of this past summer were fucking tragic. My dad was 64, died from a fucking brain tumor he did not have eleven months ago. My husband, Curt Mullins was a good man who lost his damn mind in ways I have absolutely no understanding of why. WHY? WHY did I lose my dad and my husband at the same time? I have spent a lot of time in pain, as you can imagine. I couldnt hold a job. Felt like I was going to lose my damn mind, soul, if I didnt just sleep. I slept for 9 hours, got up ate, smoked, went back to sleep for another 6 hours, got up ate, drank a shit ton of whatever I had, and then I wrote. I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. My world was too awful to review so I made up a new one with a story I call Breaking Inside. Only the title was inspired by the song, because it reflects a part of the story, but it 100% is in trine with ME and where I am.

Breaking Inside
By: Shinedown
Off: "The Sound of Madness"

"Dont tell me that Im the last one in line.
Dont tell me Im too late this time
I dont want to live to waste another day,
underneath the shadow of mistakes I made.
Cuz I feel like Im breaking inside
I dont want to fall to say I lost it all
Cuz maybe there is a part of me that hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like Im breaking inside."

My life right now is about rebuilding my world. I am trying really fucking hard because if I didn't, I'd probably died by now. If you know anyone going through a similiar hell or if you, yourself are, please contact me, follow this blog or find a way to find your own damn way to survive. And by all means get out there and get away from the shadow of the mistakes, whether they be your own or someone elses, get the fuck away from the pain, and start again.

Tomorrow, I plan on doing another two miles. I am currently 205lbs. My goal is 150, with muscle. 140 is my average, but now that I am 41, I better be realistic and just try to be healthy instead of thin.
Thanks for reading.
Kris

Quote of the Day:
Marijuana taught me a lot of math.

dont care if i die alone.
just gotta get away from you
your talking all the time
i have no idea what your saying
i used to like the way you looked
when i didnt understand a word you said
now my mind is full of gunk
i dont know the right way
do i not love you anymore?
is that what this feels like?
maybe it was too much thin air
on a drunken colorado night
yeah thats right
i dont love you anymore
i dont love you anymore
i dont care for you anymore
i dont care for you anymore
i dont care if i die alone
just gotta get away from you
live your life
move on your own
do what a sweet girl has got to do
get you a man
who loves you better than i can
dont worry, when he says
he will always be your man
forever is state of mind
sweet darlin
dont care if i die alone
just gotta get away from you

I built my soap box with my own hands.
The only thing that matters is the position in which I stand.
For you, I give everything and sometimes nothing.
It's what I do best.
Give of myself, until to myself, I give even less.
Chastized and whipped at the post.
My crime,
Being beautiful and loving the Holy Ghost.
For him, I do everything.
I am everything
Because of him.
A sinless man,
without life.
A spirit who visits me in the night.
A man no more.
My man.
This is my sin.

Nevahhhhhh is infinite
Always is absolute
Kinda does not compute
Ego is precedent

I think of my children every day, just about all day. From the time that I wake up until the time that I go to bed. I try to not be scared for them, as the world is an awful place. I wish (and pray) for the best, instead of worrying. When your son, your hopes and your dreams turns out to be something else completely different then what you wish, you fall down a black hole of everyday life. You smile, you run a house, but inside the void cannot be filled because it is mathematically incalculable.
How do you start new dreams? When the old ones got crushed like insignificant bugs on the sidewalk of life?