"I love you.

I shouldn't.
But, I do

I think
I can hold the candle
to nothing
but a breeze
that never consumes
A thought gone by
I can not lose
Give myself
Holy to you
Died with that
over
and over
again
The only thing I can say
is
No more death

I lie to myself this way

I (forget to not) care deeply
from a place
completely at peace
and not badly broken

Believing in me
Believing in you
It's just what I do
Choice were mine
Maybe things would be different
Fair enough you say?
No.
I do not care deeply
for this truth.

Go on
Live each day

Breath my memory
With each chosen breath
Taste me
We all have a flavor
Of the flesh
Of the mind
Is the only one that matters

Go on
It is not OK
Ignore me
I still feel you anyway
Try
I dare you

I know you tried

Try harder!
It should be so easy

Let me go
Let me stay
Let me be loved
I want no other

Go for it
OR
Love me, too


Hold on

or

Let go.

I recommend both"

I know I scare you!

Evil has met it's match
A true crime of
Under simplified ignorance
This complexity
Gains power from the mind

"I love you.

I shouldn't.
But, I do

I think
I can hold the candle
To nothing
but a breeze
that never consumes
A thought gone by

I can not lose
Give myself
Holy to you
Died with that
over
and over
again

The only thing I can say
is
No more death

I lie to myself this way

I (forget to not) care deeply
from a place
completely at peace
and
broken badly

Believing in me
Believing in you
It's just what I do
Choice were mine
Maybe things would be different
Fair enough you say?
No.
I do not care deeply
For this truth

Go on
live each day
breath my memory
with each chosen breath
Taste me
We all have a flavor

Go on
It is not OK
Ignore me
I still feel you

Try
I dare you
I know you tried

Try harder!

Let me go
Let me be loved
Maybe by another
Who does not exist right now

Go for it
OR
Love me

Grab my ass
and don''t you fucking dare let go!

It's that simple baby
hold on
or
let go

I recommend both"

"The heart never speaks but you must listen to know"-Chinese Proverb.

My heart tells me to move along to the next task. My ass follows me wherever I go. Thank heaven. Otherwise, I might lose it.

I may not be pretty or polite. For what I lack, I make up for with power. Power of the heart, mind, and soul. These are the tools that helped my children grow. It is what I hold onto when I create something from nothing, when I am alone. Fierce is not my perception. Can you see through my facade?

Busted Ass
Life gone wrong
Took too much
Now
Im on my own
New Life
Same me
Fun loving
Victory
We walked
Through Hell
To Get
To Hell
Separated
I Strive
To live
Greatly
Never
Thought I'd walk this life alone
Never
Made it with you by my side
Somethings are not allowed
Through the halls of time
Cursed greatness
Sold our souls
We went through hell
To get to Hell
Got nothing good in return
The wrong kind of love
Kept us alive
And that Love
Wont die
The roots run so deep
Between you and me
My love is still alive
Feeding off my pain
Laughing at me
Making me hate
Myself
For Love
You
and
I
The factors
That kept us alive
You
And
I
So this hell
That we
put me through
I leave by myself
Forever
With you...

The ink is dry,
The words go unspoken,
Everyone else has something to say,
I just smile and wave,
Middle finger on emphasis,
Fuck you all,
Mother Fuckers,
You dont know me,
You dont know him,
We are our own,
Not like you,
Got nothing to prove,
Just got a life to live.

Each day,
I learn to stand on my own.
Wobbling Foal,
I seek my nourishment.
Each day,
I cry,
For the loss,
of half my soul.
I see you walking,
Swimming in the waters.
I say to myself,
That aint him.
He's not mine.
I break some more.
I drink some more.
I break some more inside.
I watch time.
Cuz that aint him,
He aint mine.
Gone to the winds,
Im Stand in time.
By myself,
With my love,
Knowing,
We are gone.
We are done.
Say no more.
I find Joy.
Each day,
is a new way,
For Freedom

I Never Came by Queens of The Stone Age.

"When you say it's dead & gone
Yes, I know you're wrong

Cut & slash, sharpest knife
It won't die

Poison cup, drank it up
It won't die

No fire, no gun, no rope, no stone
It won't die

Why you gotta shove it in my face
As if you put me in my place
Cause I DON'T CARE
If you or me is wrong or right
Ain't gonna spend another night,
In your bed...
In your bed...

Laws of man, are just pretend
They ain't mine

Love so good, love so bad
It won't die

Some talk too long, they know it all
I just smile & move on

Words ain't free, like you & me
I don't mind...

Why'd you have to be so mean & cruel,
The dogs are loose i'm on to you
You ball & ...
Chained together from the dawn to dusk,
Can't call it leavin, cause it's just

I never came...."

I ran, worked on the eliptical, and rode the bike for 1.5 hours on Wednesday. I stretched between each source and I ate correctly. The night before I went out to the bar to compete in the trivia game at First Base. I didn't end up playing because my team mates didn't show up in time and one of my husband's lovers confronted me, wanting me to know how delusional I was for not believing her when she says no she didn't screw every single guy at the pool this summer, including my husband in my house. When she called me delusional, I told her: Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. AND Fuck You. She didn't protest. She knew that she could no further and that I wouldn't believe her. So, after walking off and calming down I realized one thing. People hate when people won't believe them and they clam right up. To truly understand what happened, you have to be open to the one percent (or higher) chance that you do not know the entire truth. To get this truth, I walked back out there and said, I don't you. I don't know why you would want to insist anything with me. So, I will give you the chance. And I listened...to her lie some more. LOL. I realized as she was talking that she was bi-polar, lost, and other things that I care to not judge. She fucked up. He fucked up. They wanted it to go away more then I did. They share each other's realm. I do not. I make their realm uncomfortable, simply by existing. Not my goal, but this is my home and no one can kick me out of it. We all live in the same complex. He chose not to move to another complex, amongst the thousands in the Cental Texas area. Not my problem. I wish to write, excercise, and move when I am ready. Today I am going to the doctor to see about my hands some more. Life is funny. When you take the time to face your issues instead of running away from your or other people's pain, you learn a lot and you get more done. I have run away too many times. Now, it't time to face the music and dance. Corny...UCCKKKK!

I ran for 1.33 miles in 45 minutes. I also rode a bike for twenty minutes, and stretched like an Indian Goddess. Yes, I am out of shape. But, at least I have a shape and that shape is round. I went to the apartment complex exercise room. I saw some associates, basically people I know from the complex. Without going into too much detail, because frankly I dont understand or care enough to understand, so I am sure you don't care either. The people here turned against me or simply stopped being a friend when my husband, Curt Mullins left me. He is a veteran of the US Navy, injured during OEF. He has a 60% mental disability. The entire relationship has been built around his disease, release from the Navy, and return to civilian life. I guess when he felt strong enough to be on his own, he left me. He moved two doors down and started acting like a dog in heat, chasing any girl at the pool in in view of my back patio, where I garden, paint, and smoke. He even had the nerve to bring one into my house while I was on the East Coast spending time with my Father before he died. I came home and I knew that someone had been in my bed, my living room, my world had essentially been invaded. So, I got raving lunatic mad and scared the shit out the stupid bitch (sb). LOL. So after the cops left (LOL), my dad calls me up and asks me to do one thing for him. He asked me to not fight anymore. He asked me to let Curt go and to bring peace and dignity into my world. He wanted to die with peace knowing that I was ok. So, I made a pact with myself. I would stay away from him and his sb's (stupid bitches)I guess because he didnt get the attention from me he wanted, he pushed the knife deeper into my back each and every chance he got. He acted like a fool, pushing my buttons. So, instead of fighting, I left. The day that I left, my father died before I got home to see him again. Was this tragic? The entire events of this past summer were fucking tragic. My dad was 64, died from a fucking brain tumor he did not have eleven months ago. My husband, Curt Mullins was a good man who lost his damn mind in ways I have absolutely no understanding of why. WHY? WHY did I lose my dad and my husband at the same time? I have spent a lot of time in pain, as you can imagine. I couldnt hold a job. Felt like I was going to lose my damn mind, soul, if I didnt just sleep. I slept for 9 hours, got up ate, smoked, went back to sleep for another 6 hours, got up ate, drank a shit ton of whatever I had, and then I wrote. I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. My world was too awful to review so I made up a new one with a story I call Breaking Inside. Only the title was inspired by the song, because it reflects a part of the story, but it 100% is in trine with ME and where I am.

Breaking Inside
By: Shinedown
Off: "The Sound of Madness"

"Dont tell me that Im the last one in line.
Dont tell me Im too late this time
I dont want to live to waste another day,
underneath the shadow of mistakes I made.
Cuz I feel like Im breaking inside
I dont want to fall to say I lost it all
Cuz maybe there is a part of me that hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like Im breaking inside."

My life right now is about rebuilding my world. I am trying really fucking hard because if I didn't, I'd probably died by now. If you know anyone going through a similiar hell or if you, yourself are, please contact me, follow this blog or find a way to find your own damn way to survive. And by all means get out there and get away from the shadow of the mistakes, whether they be your own or someone elses, get the fuck away from the pain, and start again.

Tomorrow, I plan on doing another two miles. I am currently 205lbs. My goal is 150, with muscle. 140 is my average, but now that I am 41, I better be realistic and just try to be healthy instead of thin.
Thanks for reading.
Kris

Quote of the Day:
Marijuana taught me a lot of math.

dont care if i die alone.
just gotta get away from you
your talking all the time
i have no idea what your saying
i used to like the way you looked
when i didnt understand a word you said
now my mind is full of gunk
i dont know the right way
do i not love you anymore?
is that what this feels like?
maybe it was too much thin air
on a drunken colorado night
yeah thats right
i dont love you anymore
i dont love you anymore
i dont care for you anymore
i dont care for you anymore
i dont care if i die alone
just gotta get away from you
live your life
move on your own
do what a sweet girl has got to do
get you a man
who loves you better than i can
dont worry, when he says
he will always be your man
forever is state of mind
sweet darlin
dont care if i die alone
just gotta get away from you

I built my soap box with my own hands.
The only thing that matters is the position in which I stand.
For you, I give everything and sometimes nothing.
It's what I do best.
Give of myself, until to myself, I give even less.
Chastized and whipped at the post.
My crime,
Being beautiful and loving the Holy Ghost.
For him, I do everything.
I am everything
Because of him.
A sinless man,
without life.
A spirit who visits me in the night.
A man no more.
My man.
This is my sin.

Nevahhhhhh is infinite
Always is absolute
Kinda does not compute
Ego is precedent

I think of my children every day, just about all day. From the time that I wake up until the time that I go to bed. I try to not be scared for them, as the world is an awful place. I wish (and pray) for the best, instead of worrying. When your son, your hopes and your dreams turns out to be something else completely different then what you wish, you fall down a black hole of everyday life. You smile, you run a house, but inside the void cannot be filled because it is mathematically incalculable.
How do you start new dreams? When the old ones got crushed like insignificant bugs on the sidewalk of life?

Crazy stuff
Crazy life
That’s what’s been going on with me
Lots of love
Lots of laughter
Being the best that a girl can be
Swimming
Eating
Drinking
Smoking
Painting
Inking
Worrying way too much
While i watch my pocket book
Sinking
To a place it aint never been
I waited till i was 40 to crash my financial market
All that worrying at 18 and look where it got me
still right where
I unavoidably belong
It’s all good
You know?
It’s worth it
The price of admission
Is a song
And baby, I’ve been singin it all along

The responsible party,
The lost son,
Someone has to look out for them,
When father done went away,
I lived alone,
In the house we shared,
It's better that he was gone,
Being by yourself means,
That you dont have to exect someone to leave you anytime soon,

'Cept for maybe a few of the voices,
They just get quiet every once in a while,
I am happy to say, they stay.

What you dont want,
Fucking amazing,
How that sticks around.

The responsible party,
Makes sure that we all get by.
All evidence to the contrary states otherwise
No signs of life reside
In some ways things are wonderful

The responsible party needs to relax
Every once in a while
Stories of light collored in blue
Say to us
The same thing
We expect from you.

The truth is, as you see fit.
Fall together
Stay alive
Its all good
Where do we go from here?

I have my own ideas
When someone disagrees
I say
Look it up
Go see for yourself

The miracles of hanging on the noose
Someone cuts you down
Makes it seem to be truthful
That once what was up
Came back down

Yup
Sure did
And ther aint nothing you can do about that.

Kristin Mullins-March April 2008

My world is falling apart. Again...
My son is lashing out at me, being a teenager. His step father doesn't care for either of us. I have to go design software for assholes who aren't going to listen to me anyway.

With all that's going on, all I can do is remind myself of the love in my heart and how much I am loved. By assholes, yes. But, they are my assholes.

I think with the best of intentions, everyone fails.

Patrice Pike
Hanover's-Pflugerville, Texas
November 16th, 2007

Again, I would like to say the most important part of having a good time is all about relying on the resources around you that assist you in researching the best time to be had. The Austin Chronicle is a must have. This city's information society runs around and because of the Austin Chronicle's persistance in bringing the reader the facts. Anyone in the Austin area can pick up a copy to find out who what where and when. Sometimes, they will try to hide the 12 dollar cover charge. But, its all good. Consider that a donation to the keep music alive foundation. And Honey, let me tell you something...If Austin doesnt keep the music, especially the talented beautiful music of Patrice Pike alive, then the Liberals are all correct; We're fucked.
I am from Austin. I left for DC on business in 2001, thirteen days before 9-11 and I never really came back until just the other day. I arrived in town after two crammed flights while sitting next to my very hyper anxious teenager. Mommy needed a beer and a cigarette. But, mommy is now 39 years old. So, its more like: Mommy needs a salad and a good poop. ha ha. it's all good.
I got into our truck at the airport and we hit 183, the windows were down, it was unseasonably cold outside. I didnt care. It smelled like Texas out there. I breathed the sunlight, the cold air, my long brown hair flew every where, even into my mouth. i breathed it in, the air, not my hair...this is what home smells like. my brain aknowledged this and my heart open with a loudy squeaky creaking sound. dare, i allow it? will i be ok? or will i be rejected and found with horrors of the east coast again? unfriendly mean people who will reach out and hurt you with their words, their fists, and their racially motivated hatred? the bias that will never allow you to be yourself because before you open your mouth, you are judged juried and hung with out the chance to testify. this is painful to the heart. a texas girl like me should never have to wonder to far to find friends, music, laughter, and a good time on a Friday night. So, as the wheels in our truck turned, as we were riding down 183, i let the fear, the anxiety, the nervousness go, outside the window, let it transmutate into boogers in another universe. What the fuck. I dont care. Just get away from me. So, I can breathe the right air. And I did. I cant get enough. I dont want to sleep. My mind hears a sound, I wake up in a dark hotel, my sexy husband is snoring lightly, sleeping deeply beside me and i say to myself, what can i do today in the next 24 hours? i tell myself, NO you wont think about the return flight, thanksgiving with prying relatives (who called me today at 730am!). Think about the cup of coffee in your hand and the success at hand. We're here at the last minute because we are closing a plan that has been long since been in pre-production and needs to go into production right away. RTFN.
Hubby got a job with UT, pays great, travels nice, great potential for the future, and with the best school in the whole wide world. So, we are very very very happy for him. Unfortunately, it comes at a time when we are very very very broke and can even afford to give a shit.
It keeps the old man up late at night thinking about shit he should forgive and move on into that deep sleep that we all wish we could enjoy. (that i am listening to right now) We got him taken care of by finding this position, changing our travel plans, and diverting to Texas asap. We are here on a wing and a prayer. I say that we couldnt be in better hands. And as much as I believe this to be true, the hubby wonders if Im right...As if...I say that we cant do anything about the things we cant do anything about. Instead, I see what can and needs to be done and I just do it. Well, I try and thats half the battle won right there. It brings confidence from the experience of surmounting insurmountable challenges. Confidence creates a certain glow. The glow is an attraction. We get the spotlight and then its time to move, do your thing and to do it well. last night i watched proof of this concept. Patrice Pike is a confident woman who glows in her talent. She is a versatile player, has great vocal range, and can play damn near anything. What more could you want from Friday night entertainment? Her songs sing of heart, soul, love, and the fire down below. It's all good. Her shows brings a unique crowd out to play. Long time friends, family, and new lovers will meet tonight at Patrice's house of blues, rock, ska, phunk, skat, and a blessed good time. Hallelujah!
If you get to Austin and wonder what you should do, pick up the Austin Chronicle. If you see Patrice Pike's name listed in the music calendar/venues section get out and go see the show. You wont have a bad time. You'll recharge the life doesnt suck batteries inside every cell of your body and you might, just might smile again...it's all good. That's right!