I have mixed feelings. I am hung over like a tired, over worked, over stressed, mofo who had one margarita with dinner after four shots before getting on a plane. i am amazingly sober right now. but, i feel the pain baby. i dont have trouble flying usually. and i really mean it. i usually sit back, relax, and enjoy the g force. but, yesterday BWI and ORF were very empty and quiet. and I never felt so alone. i came to austin to be with Gus and Jennifer. we are going through a personal time and needed each other. i cannot emphasize the suck factor of life right now. and i sure as shit wont write about it, either.
When I separated from C at the airport, early and alone, part of me escaped into solitude. Another part of me worried myself into it. Part of me likes it here. By myself, I can hear the inner voice uninterrupted. But, by myself, I get into way too much trouble. For that I am sorry. For the journey and those that I met along the way, I am not and I have no regrets. Life is a beautiful time that can only be described as unwanted and totally received at the same time. I cant live with guilt, in a box, instead of fish, because I like cox. A connection, unallowed by the ring on my finger, but wanted by the soul is not wrong.
(for KC)

If you started peeling back layers of darkness, underneath you would find a fresh lady of female geneus, a.k.a. a girl...

She isn't a girl
She isn't a feminist nightmare
remove the darkness
You will see
The brightness
Fresh reality
Blinding light
Inside of me/she
Image of the Father
Love(d) of the Mother
Glowingly Irish
If such a thing exists
Its what this day would wish
Release the darkness inside
Allow me to be
Me/She


04/27

By Myself
I sigh
Deep Senses
Relief
Constant Fear
Laying
Beside Myself
I Breathe Deeply
Over
&
Over Again


Originally written on October 21st, 2006

Hay Thar. Long time no writey write write. Goodness, I probably sound drunk. Truth is, Im sober, sitting in my room, listening to the guys play Area51. I got a laptop for Christmas. Stud Meet Mullins got a very merry kiss in return for his elf like trickery and getting me what I wanted. But, alas, that season is over and the credit cards were maxed. Did I feel closer to the baby Jesus on his birthday? I guess so. But, not really.

Truth is your Responsibility
Lies are your Shadow
Choose Wisely
Walk the Straight
Fall the Narrow

Swim the chanel
Feeling solitude
Presence of self
Creatures unseen
Tasted on breath
Sensed so keen

Inhale
Exhale
Living
Dieing
What it is
Is
What it shall be

Always a bent truth
Relies on Reality

Lies undone
Secrets of the Chambers
of the Mind
Cannot be shown

In harming none
The reed of Oath
Passively Dies

It's all the same
Words
Unspoken
Are still Lies
Truth Told
is still A Crime

Live unto Others
Speak Upon and Onto Self
One way or another
It's all Your Hell.

"Failure is a sustained course of study for everthing you are doing right now. "
(loose quote)
Larry Harvey

Bad dreams have become the only dreams that I remember or spend anytime with in early morning REM. I have been plagued with nightmares all of my life. When you only have NM, it has changes your personality. If you dont have a positive experience while you rest, it is hard to maintain sunshine during the day. I succeed a large portion of the time because I am a mother and I cannot let my anxiety and sadness rule my actions. I have failed in the past and the guilt alone asks your soul to please put it behind you and focus on your children not living as you have. Its sad really. Nightmares lead to anxiety and depression. Its a vicious circle.

I have been sick all week with a strange flu. I have been trying to break the fever in my sleep. But, I dont really sleep a lot because of the nightmares. So, this is the first time in my life that I have been sick with the flu longer then a few days. I can handle it. I have become amazingly more resilient. I seem to be getting stronger at understanding when the dreams occur or in that moment of waking, the nightmares arent real. Every once in a while, it happens to me. While I am unsuspectingly resting, next to my baby, drooling in deep slumber, my body and mind start twitching as I shake myself into the realm that the rest of my subconcious existence is urging me to experience. Either way its a dream. Every dream can hold the key to understanding. I entered this morning to experience hell. Unfortold by Dante, hell was not on earth, or in the hearts of man. Hell resides behind the veil. Like the Matrix, only a few could see it, but everyone experienced it.
I cant bring myself to tell you to story. I sit here listening to "tallica, eating yogurt and trail mix thinking blank thoughts about a non cohesive story. As each dream seems to be to most people. just a series of images that dont make any sense. This is what my waking mind is trying to accomplish. Its called blocking it out. Its how most people survive. Its how the veil is created. Who in their right mind would want to stay in the hell that nightmares depict? Yet, we all stay at jobs we hate, live in towns where we are hated, and try like mad to stay sane long enough to be creative, let alone loved by people more messed up then you! Most people believe rush hour is hell. Hell is rush hour traffic. But Hell is also terrifiying images of children being turned into demons. Hell was inside of me this morning.
I got off the private jet to smoke a cigarette. I was told that we were not leaving for another fifteen minutes. As I sat inhaling the sweet smoke, the engines roared. I thought it was a test. before I could say anything, the jet took off from a parked position, through a hole in the wall no bigger then a small car.
I was left behind. I went to the control room and begged for you to return for me. I was left on my own. Nothing could be done. I had to survive. I walked with the spirit of my sister. I saw a building with funny words on it, like Moose, Money, Mo. Mo Moose Money! As I laughed, she said to me, beware of that room right and she pointed to a downstairs portion of an old wharehouse. It was cleverly hidden behind the goofy sign that acted as a distraction to the evil that presided. I was looking at the top of the warehouse when she said this to me. As I changed views from top to bottom, I was thrown back by the feeling of evil all around me. I was visibly shaken. Instantly, I was alone again. I turned away from the evil and left, looking for a way home, thinking to myself, what many thought as safe was actually hell waiting for the mistake.

Next rememberable scene: I was under the stairs of the warehouse, under a spell. I was throwing poison darts at children that my team was battling. I was evil absorbed. I felt like throwing up. I threw a dart, but my goodness wouldnt allow me to hurt the child. I threw the dart like a dork with a soft weak wrist. The child caught it and was instantly poisoned becoming like the team of evil that attacked it. I ran away into the tunnels of the warehouse. Every room was occupied by some entity that was either aware of the nightmare or with people who went about their daily business, going to work, etc. I tried to find a place to sleep and was ran off by cranky monsters. when someone left for work, I snuck into their apartment and used the phone to call for help. I noticed the normal environment of the strangers house. I wondered each room, hoping for a phone. I called my guy. he said, I called you three times, where are you? I replied: three times! You have my purse that has my cell phone in it. Obviously, he was not the person to call in case of emergency. As I realized this, I sat their in shock, deep shock that was saying to me, your stuck here, Kris and you have to find a way home on your own. My next thought was: I am goin to makie it happen. God loves me. Then I woke up and I was late for work. I had overslept in nightmareville.

Sidebar/Irony= I am listening to The man comes around by Johnny Cash. Loose translation: Alpha and Omega kingdom's come was upon us and hell followed with him. In my case, hell followed her...

Playing: VH1-Nickelback
Note: for a commercially influenced band, the guitar harmonies, solos, and overall sound stands out as a distinctive quality of this band. Oh, and Chad Kroger is pretty hot for a skinny guy.

Favorites song right now=ShineDown-"beyond the sun"
Album=us and them
Lyrical quotes=

"Communicating thoughts of ways to never have to speak again
let me be the fire in your head."


"Look for me
the way you would
if you were blind"

Thoughts of the day:
Breathe freely

Focus

Kick ass like only I can

Be nice
No more prisoners needed
The house is full
Be very nice

Send seb good energy so he can survive high school. whoo hoo. it aint fun. survival is key, boi.

I trust you
to not come undone
to sense the common
to fear
to love
as my one and only son

In every moment
Of truth
We are alive
Matching our actions
With the
Honesty of essence
Fact of the daily fiction
Lies
in our decisions.

"Inbetween"

Wake UP!

I have been working so much, I forgot what I was doin.
I spend so much time dreamin someone else's dream and
Making it come true
My boss is a happy man
For me, this is nothing new.
Live life and prosper
Whatever
This is someone else's dream
What makes me special?
I guess that is for every one to answer.
I already know for myself
If I forget, the ones around me
Remind me
Nudging me in the right direction
I lost "that" dream
You know the one
Soul defining high gloss picturesque quality of self
Somewhere down the line, it disappeared
Cant completely forget
You always remind me
Who I am is in the love, baby
Where I am in the dream,
Is somewhere in between.
It's who I am today, tomorrow, and the next
Lost or found
It's all good, baby
In between is fine by me

Life Back.

Where we belong
is where we should live
In the heart of it
is where the heart is
and always will be
If we laughed at a broken life
its with the best of intention
that the mind wonders on
If we could
we should
always believe
not in the nothing
that holds us
To the rules
Engagement in the state
In the freeworld
as low as you can go
Taking to the depths
Where once we were
Bound to return
It is, as it seems
Timeless and random
In duration
Of nothing
Timed as it needs to be
Choosing an upward motion
In any direction
Take flight
towards
and away
from nothing
Be insight
of the choice
Of right
Of wrong
Of Nothing whatsoever
Its our path to make
To where we belong

I don't want to go home
It aint no place to be
when
The one you love
Can't offer Sanctuary
Work is not fun
Playtime is over
Expect the Love
Give the work
Who we are
Is never enough
The love we are
Is inside
Seems to be
the definition
Of Institution
That Runs Society
How do we survive
Rejection
By Definition
Amongst us
Between us
Ignoring Ignorance
All is lost
My home is gone

She said, "...It's in the antique Chinese chest." I paused and every piece of my mother's furniture came into my head at once. It's all antique and its all Asian. As I laughed, I thought to myself, glad we can be so predicatable. Even when we don't make sense, we can be understood by family.

Chris Rock says:
America took over Iraq in two weeks. Hell, you can't take over BALTIMORE in two weeks!

I laughed so hard because I imagined all the Area's population fighting with sticks, guns, pitchforks, whatever else they could use to kick some ass. I imagined all the tough northern/east coast mofos that perpetuate the anger in the universe, winning all major wars for us. All they need is the right incentive.
That's whose out there fighting in the middle east right now. Men and Women who have the right incentive to ball up courage to go out there in a frigen dessert a million miles away to fight for their home turf, America.
Salute your brothers and sisters in arms. Start a riot in your neighborhood, if necessary. Protect whats worth fighting for.

Our company has been sold. The purchaser is determining how to maintain staff. We are all working together to get through an exciting time! This is all the corporate bullshit that states: too bad, motherfucker. We made a shit ton of cash. Now, your fucked.
These are my positive thoughts. The negative ones, I cannot even endure. New house. Old life. Gotta keep it all together. The fish, the dog, the cat, the kid, the man are all relying on me.
I just wanna go home.

Depression occurs when the mind wants what the heart does not desire. Or vice versa.

When you start to drift
you try
to come together
if
you
dont
sense the senses
wanting nothing
happens together
you need
you dont want
your alone
in this world of silent endeavors
making
love
instead
the war
starts in your head
your heart
bares all
your face
says nothing
bluffing
your surroundings
asking
for nothing
being the one
the only
you
like the tide
coming
back
to the shore
time
and
time again
the drift
hits
the dune
walking alone
the air
intices
the soul
the salts
of
the earth
becoming
the sweat
of
the body
mine and mine
alone no more

The gayness of it all.
Ever realize what you think is cool, someone else considers to be shit?
Example: People who want to dress like the 80's were cool.
If you were of age in the 80's, you wouldn't want to dress like those fags.

Think of how many things can associate with this concept. Let me know what they are.
DO it. Do it now.