I loved Bu-Bu. Unfortunately, I didn't trust him. He wasn't a player, a cheater, or an otherwise abusive person. I didn't trust him because his mood could turn on a dime. Sometimes, he would get so angry about simple issues that weren't even that complex. It scared me. But, I didnt want to judge/change him. The beauty of Chris is all that he is. And all that he will ever be was not up to me to edit. I never opened up to him past a certain point. He did get under my skin easily because of who he was to me.
I remember speaking with him for hours. We would listen to Massive Attack and other somewhat obscure artists. He had the greatest way of explaining an Artist out of obscurity into a knowledge base that I take with me today.
Most men do not understand what us fast talking chicas have to say most of the time. If he would get lost in my free verse babble, he would say, "Stop, let me think about this. Are you saying _______? and this_____ ? and this_____?" I was amazed that at first he didn't follow, he would stop and redirect himself through Kris logic land. He was a really good friend to me.
What an ass I was to him.
You wanna know the irony? No trust equals no sweet loving. No sweet loving throws a man right into "friend"ville. Putting someone you love into a position he doesn't want to be in, even though he tries to be a friend, would make the Resentment reel its ugly head.
This is how we become dispensable. I knew that he would throw me away one day. This is why I didn't trust him. Moody men make tempermental friends. Tempermental friends are fair weather friends. Fair weather friends don't have unconditional loyalty. So, you know in your heart that you are disposable.
Yeah, I left that relationship for good reasons. Still, I miss the friendship, the long talks, the intelligent intimacy that I will never be able to replace. He is one of a kind. My kind, at that. Its too bad that Irony is such a Bitch.